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| .....Cowboy Troy - Loco Motive review: Written By Marion and The Flyin' Jew |
Written 9-24-05
Marion: Awhile back ago, a friend of mine was making me listen to country music with her. I know, I know. Not really a sentence I'd have ever thought would be true either. But anyways, she was making me listen to a group called Big & Rich, when one song in particular caught my attention. I was unsure what I was hearing at the time, until she informed me that the sound coming into my ears was, in fact, a rapping cowboy. She then proceeded to inform me he had his own single out, which I immediately listened to in hopes it would be as amazing as I hoped. It...umm...was? I was baffled, yet insanely curious after listening to it. I knew that I HAD to track this album down, and that I was destined to review it and bring Cowboy Troy to the masses. Well, I found it, and with the help of the Flyin' Jew, I bring you the MaroonX review of Cowboy Troy - Loco Motive!
Before we get started, I'm gonna throw some relevant links in here.
First, while you get some idea of the songs from our writeups of them, you really have to see / hear the lyrics for the best effect. As such, I recommend checking out the Seek Lyrics Cowboy Troy page, and reading through the lyrics as you go through the songs.
Next, both Cowboy Troy's official website and the Cowboy Troy MySpace page. You can listen to some of his songs on both his official site and on his MySpace. I STRONGLY recommend giving at least a few of his songs a listen, as words really don't do this album justice. His official site even has Official Cowboy Troy wallpapers and AIM buddy icons! Confuse the fuck outta your friends each time they IM you wondering why in the hell you have a Cowboy Troy buddy icon!
And lastly, Ill Will Press, just because Foamy's fucking hilarious and despite writing it as if I had more links after those last two, I got nothin'!
Jew: There are only three kinds of CD's available at my store: every NOW CD in the galaxy, "greatest hits" compilations, and Country music. Lots and lots of country music. For the love of God, I hate country music.
There's a girl that I want to have sex with badly that makes me send her country music on AIM all the time, and it drives me crazy. If I didn't want to nail her doggy while singing V-Mobb's "Reflections" so much, I would uninstall Shareaza just for having the possibility of putting country music on my harddrive.
But thanks to Marion having shittier taste in music than I, and a knack for finding the most ridiculous songs ever recorded, I have no choice but to think of country music in a new light.
What could possibly make me change my opinions on something I hate so much? That would be Cowboy Troy. A rapper / cowboy / country-western star / cripple / poor man / hypnotist / fluent speaker of multiple languages.
How could I NOT get in on this review of his latest CD?
With that out of the way, on with the review!
I Play Chicken With The Train:
Marion: Ok, so here's the first track of the album, designed to introduce you to the "Big Blackneck" that is Cowboy Troy. It starts off with shredding metal guitar then degenerates into a clusterfuck of "What the fuck am I listening to?" Banjos, rap, metal guitar riffs, and constant reminders he's black. Who greenlighted this? Is this a song about him saying he likes to stand in front of trains? What the fuck? As I mentioned a moment ago, he reminds us he's black no less than 3 times in the first verse of this song. Thanks Troy, I forgot between the time i opened the CD and hit play.
Ah, who am I kidding? I totally pirated it, but it's ok! I had Subway for lunch He says to download his stuff right in the song:
"All over the World Wide Web you'll see, download CBT on that MP3."
Man, I'm glad I have him to tell me I can steal his music.
Anyways, while the song's starting to grow on me, it's also starting to melt my brain. I don't know how i'm gonna make it through 13 more tracks of this. GETCHOOSOMEOFDAT!
Jew: The song starts out with metal guitars. That struck me as being very strange at first, but then again, this is a black country star. Anything is possible.
Before I can get accustomed to it, full blown COUNTRY MUSIC kicks in. God, I hate country music. Again, before I can get my bearings Troy goes nuts on the mic. Full blown gangsta rap!
I am completely perplexed and bewildered right now, when I get hit with a banjo solo. A FUCKING BANJO SOLO! What the hell could I even classify this CD as? Rap? Rock? Country? Better yet, why is he playing chicken with a train? Too many questions, and not enough answers! My head is going to explode!
Crick In My Neck:
Marion: Huh? A song about neck pain? I've heard of niche marketing, but I really think Troy needs to rethink this a bit. How big is the neck-pain sufferers market, anyway? Is Donald Trump a persistant whiplash victim? God forbid someone with chronic neck problems downloads this thinking they've found an anthem they can get behind, only to get caught up in the infectious beats and hardcord flow of Cowboy Troy and bobbing their head with the music. Think of the children, CBT! Are you trying to sell us out to the Russians? They'll be able to march right in and take over after our country's youth is reduced to neckbrace-wearing vegetables! More like Comrade Troy!
And for those of you at home playing the Cowboy Troy drinking game, I did just connect neck pain, black cowboys, and communism. Take a drink.
Jew: Next track starts out with Troy complaining about his neck injury.
....
...
..
.
You totally expected an Owen Hart joke. Am I that predictable? This guy really should see a chiropractor if the neck pains are so bad that he has to write an entire song about it. Suprisingly I'm really enjoying the CD so far. I can tell you in all honesty that this guy (with his neck injury) has more talent than Stone Cold Steve Austin, another cripple. I'd say give this man the WWE title, but having Shelton Benjamin and Booker T crushed under HHH's mighty sledgehammer is enough. I don't want to get Al Sharpton on McMahon's ass.
Ain't Broke Yet:
Jew: Troy raps about being poor. I feel I can really relate to this guy. I mean, he's poor, he's black, and he's crippled. Just like me. I wonder if Troy is Jewish. His tactics of sneaking 89 cent candy bars into matinee movies and exploiting all you can eat buffets definitely sound like something I would do.
This song is what happens when you download music. We all downloaded Metallica, and because of that we all suffered through St. Anger. I don't think anyone wants to feel that pain again, so help feed Cowboy Troy. Buy his CD's, or at least buy him a sandwich. By the way, if anyone wants a copy of Disturbed's "Ten Thousand Fists", just hit me up.
Marion: Ain't broke yet? Is this a subtle way of telling us not to have Cowboy Troy fixed? Maybe that's a good idea. My cat hasn't been the same since we had her fixed. If that happened with Troy, we might end up with an opera-singing heavy metal CD or something.
Nothing like rapping about being poor on your major-label debut that's pretty much guaranteed to net you more cash than all the people listening to your raps about being poor.
This song gives us our first glimpse into the fact that Cowboy Troy isn't actually black at all, and instead just a government experiment to hold the blacks down, like crack, aids, and UPN.
"Got snow on my TV, no mo' cable."
Come on! What self respecting black man doesn't steal their neighbors cable? Seriously.
If You Don't Wanna Love Me:
Jew: Some nice piano and stuff starts the song out, then a chick singing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like this song. I can almost feel my masculinity draining. So sue me! I am not ashamed of my musical tastes!
There isn't even any hardcore rapping or metal guitars in this song to save my testicles.
Marion: The album's ballad. Starts out with a halfway decent melody, surprisingly. Wow, good singing from whoever this chick is, too. Did someone swap my Cowboy Troy mp3s for an actual good song? Wait, nope. Cheesy Cowboy Troy rapping just kicked in. First verse talks about some chick who's husband doesn't pay her any attention. Or something like that, I kinda ignored that part.
The next verse is about a girl running away from home and her parents missing her and her missing them. Why it's even in this song is beyond me, as this song is about finding others that will love you if the current one(s) you have won't. I think. I think this was just written as the first verse until the record execs explained to Troy that you can't have a one verse, under two-minute country song, resulting in him just patching that together with a verse stolen from a Lifetime original.
As a side note, even though it has nothing to do with what happens in the song, in the video for it the chick gets picked up by a random, creepy, molestor guy at the end. Go Troy!
Ok, not nearly this creepy
My Last Yee Haw:
Jew: Oh my god. Just when I thought it couldn't get any more ridiculous, they throw Larry The Cable Guy at us! I'm sorry, but this guy was only funny... never. I admit, I only liked him because he had that CD cover with him flipping an old lady over. Git R Done sounds like a cooking term. What the fuck does that even mean?
In fact, redneck comedy altogether is starting to annoy me. One more GIT R DONE and I'm boycotting white people.
Wait...fuck that! Did I just hear Troy say "Don't be scurred"?
Holy shit dude, it's a "party in the club" song...ABOUT SQUARE DANCING!
Marion: You better be telling the truth, Troy. If I hear a "YEE-HAW" during the rest of this album, I'm going to find you and punch you right in the fucking nuts!
Track starts off with Larry The Cable Guy talking about Barbara Striesand's tits. I was eating. Thanks a fucking lot, Troy. Next time no mention of old jew chick tits on your CD.
"I gotta work tomorrow y'all, but tonight I'm gonna party"
That's it? You're writing this because you have to work tomorrow but wanna get hammered tonight? Who hasn't done that? But we didn't write a fucking rap about it! Just slam your Boone's Farm and brace for the hangover tomorrow morning.
"Like it's my last yee haw! Gonna burn down the town!"
Is he talking about committing arson just because he's getting shitfaced on a night he's gotta work the next morning? Maybe he is black after all. But only if he loots while doing so!
What what what????
"Word to your meemaw"
"Shake that badonkadonk and make it clap"
What the shit? Did I really just hear him use the word "meemaw" in the same song as "badonkadonk"???
Hold on, I hear knocking at the door.
Oh, it's the Rapture....BECAUSE SOMETHING LIKE THAT CLEARLY HAS TO SIGNIFY THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
At this point, Jew leaves. I think he's going off to kill himself.
*15 minutes later*
He's still gone. I think he really did kill himself. YOU DID THIS, TROY! YOU KILLED MY FRIEND, YOU BASTARD! YOU WILL RUE THE DA....oh, he's back. Moving on...
Jew: Oh, I was just sending Troy a sandwich.
El Tejano:
Jew: I think Troy is confused as hell. Now we have a black cowboy rapping to a song with a Spanish title. I totally dig the piano in this song. He's halfway rapping in Spanish, and there's only one other man on earth I know that speaks in half Spanish / half English. That man is Eddie Guerrero:
God, there are a lot of wrestling references in this review.
"I'm gonna plug that rhyme in yo chest again"
Ok great. Normal people rap about shooting each other. Cowboy Troy raps about shooting people with lyrics. I actually couldn't understand much of what he was saying to come up with something valid for this song.
"I'm not John Travolta but I'm slicker than Grease"
Marion: More hard guitar riffs and....what the fuck? Is he....he's fucking rapping in spanish! I feel like I just stepped back into WWE Originals track "Crossing Borders" by Rey Mysterio.
[12:04] AJewThatCanFly: I actually couldn't understand much of what he was saying to come up with something valid for this song
[12:04] Ninja Marion: I'm listening to Rey Mysterio - Crossing Borders now
[12:05] AJewThatCanFly: Wow
[12:05] AJewThatCanFly: I totally had Chavo Guerrero's music on!
[12:05] AJewThatCanFly: OOOOH CHAVO!
I think this means we should just move on.
Somebody's Smilin' On Me:
Marion: On an unrelated note, I just forgot entirely how I was formatting this review. I think that's a sign this CD's taken its' toll on me already.
So far this song sounds like it's all inspirational and religious. Or it could be about him smoking crack and doing lines of coke off the ass of Charlie Daniels. I'm not really sure. But it's boring me, so I'm gonna let Jew handle this one.
Jew: The song immediately hits you in the face with some crazy metal guitar or bass or something.
"GUARDING YOURSELF FROM THE LOVE OF ANOTHER"
The chorus rocks hard, then the first verse kicks in and it slows down. Then it speeds up again, keeping you guessing. I really like this song. It's like a mixture of the hard riffs from the first album, mixed with Dave Draiman's softer vocals from Believe. It really works as one of the band's singles off of this album.
Do Your Thang:
Marion: I really just keep zoning out during these songs now.
This one appears to be about Cowboy Troy watching chicks at the gym and wanting to fuck them.
"You want to hear her say no one can do it better
Next she's callin' out the 15th letter"
That's really the most eloquent way of saying "I'ma make dat bitch cum" that I've ever heard a rapper use. It beats R Kelly pissing on women. I think CBT could be a good role model for the rap community. Instead of drive-by shootings, we'll have run-by yee-haw-ing. Except someone still needs to shoot 50 Cent. Again.
Jew: I must admit, love him or hate him, you have to appreciate how CBT manages to mix such an odd variety of instruments. This song definitely showcases this talent. I love this song because it's a country / rap song about getting laid. That reminds me, I haven't heard a single generic rap beat on this entire CD so far. A lot of rappers could learn from this cowboy. I'm looking at you 50 Cent
Awww shiet! This next song shows promise!
BEAST ON THE MIC
Beast On The Mic:
Jew: Acoustic guitar...fiddles....drumroll....METAL GUITAR! AWESOME!!!! It sounds like some reject from a string quartet tribute to Tool CD. I FUCKING LOVE THIS! Some guy brings fury to the chorus as the fiddles get heavier. You know this man means business when he starts flowing about the kung-fu grip.
Oh snap! Is Troy rapping in a different language again? I absolutely love this song. it even has a guitar solo!
Marion: Wow. This is....actually kinda good. I even think it's harder and more well put together than most of Metallica's last album. This is actually pretty heavy....even with the shredding fiddle licks.
I just blinked out again while looking up information on Carl Douglas' Kung-Fu Fighting. I think this album really needs to end.
Aaaaand he's rapping in another language again. Take a shot! This time it's Japanese. Of course, it makes perfect sense that the world's only black, rapping cowboy knows Japanese. Also, he can program your Linux box and cure cancer, although he doesn't like to brag. Take another shot just to get through the next song...
Whoop Whoop:
Jew:
[00:28] Marion Wallace: Oh, fuck. There's still 3 more songs?
[00:29] Marion Wallace: Where do they keep coming from?
That's a good question, Marion! As much as I'm enjoying this radical experiment in music, when the man starts making songs like "Whoop Whoop!", it's time to end the CD. In fact, this is the most annoying song I have ever heard. He's rapping about having sex again. This leads back to my theory that every rap song ever has to either be about shooting people, raping people, or doing drugs. Here's a chart:
Marion: Another song about wanting to fuck. I guess my accusing him of not being black got under his skin. This time, it's veiled in subtle, classy euphamisms:
"Whoop whoop!
It makes me wanna whoop whoop!
I just can't help but whoop whoop!
There's just something 'bout your Whoop whoop!
Whoop whoop!"
You know what, this song sucks. Fuck this song. I'm moving on and I'm taking a shot...
And my power just went out, causing me to lose this whole article. I think CBT's trying to use his elemental powers to keep this review from happening. Thankfully Trillian has realtime logging.
Automatic:
Marion: I don't even know what the fuck this song is about. This album should have ended three songs ago. I should have just stopped this when the power went out. I need another drink. I think this is a song about him hating manual transmissions and women. I seem to recall something about him not being able to work a stickshift, but I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating at the time. Actually, looking at the lyrics, it sounds like it's another song about fucking. Man, he must have been fucking horny when writing this album. Next time, just crank one out before heading in the studio and keep it down to only one "I want to fuck someone" song.
Jew: ANOTHER song about getting laid. This one doesn't suck though. He comes right out of the booth with some decent rhyming, and then flows right into a chorus that kind of carries you away. I ain't mad at dat!
I could be wrong, but I think he's singing about hypnotizing women into having sex with him.
Wrap Around The World:
Marion: Ah....the last song. The gem of the album. This is where Troy truly shows what he's made of.
"To the hicks in Russia, zdrasvootya, kak dila, pazhalsta"
What the fuck?? He knows Russian now too?
"Bonjour to the French and the Portuguese
Konnichi wa to the Japanese"
Ok, now I'm pretty sure he's just saying random simple words in those 3 languages. There's no way he knows that shi....and he just broke it down for us in MANDARIN CHINESE! What kind of fucking rapping cowboy speaks fluent Chinese? Seriously, what kind of cowboy even speaks Chinese? What kind of rapper fucking speaks Chinese??? I have some Japanese dudes singing Gangsta's Paradise and I still think he does better asian-language rapping.
"Guten abent meine damen und herren"
German. Who didn't see that one coming?
How the hell does something like this come to exist? This track is honestly one of the most confusing things I've ever heard. I'm torn on whether or not this album is the greatest masterpiece ever created by man.....or if it's the worst thing I've heard in my life. I'm pretty sure blurring the line that much takes massive talent though, so props to him for that.
"Laissez les bon ton roulle"
Now he's just being a showoff.
I zone out yet again, and winamp's moved on...
Stephen Lynch - Ugly Baby: A soft, pretty song abou....wait. Oh, Cowboy Troy ended. Thank fucking God....
Jew: Dude, he raps in MANDARIN CHINESE!!!
Awww shit! This is where it's at! The song's about everyone on earth loving each other or some hippie crap, but the important part is that Troy raps in like every language ever. He even breaks it down for you in Mandarain Chinese!
The song rocks simply for the lyric "some people call it tongue fu, I call it tae kwon flow"
I totally want to learn the art of tae kwon flow. I bet that's the technique Geese Howard used to kill Terry Bogard's dad in Fatal Fury.
"Shake a hand instead of shaking a fist" is one hell of a powerful message to end the CD with. I would have ended it with something like "NWO
4 Life!" or "Fuck a white woman's ass for black history monf!"
Conclusion:
Jew: In closing, this CD is 903,842,309,480,923,480,932 times better than the Macho Man CD, and that's saying A LOT. In a time where music has degenerated to the point where you can only choose from generic emo bands or generic rap garbage, Cowboy Troy is a refreshing change, even if it is country music.
To be honest, I didn't expect much from this guy. I initially agreed to the review simply because a rapping cowboy sounded too ridiculous not to be worth writing about, but somewhere along the way I found a CD I'll be listening to for a long time to come.
I give it 7 disembodied Cowboy Troy heads out of 10.
 
Marion: Despite my being hard on it in the review, I've gotta be honest. I kinda like it. It grows on you. If nothing else, it's different. It's very.....VERY...different. It's amusing, it's "fun", it's upbeat, he doesn't shoot anyone, and I didn't pay for it. If nothing else, I'm sure most people will find humor in his album, as we have. So even though we've been pretty harsh on it, I emphatically recommend Cowboy Troy to everyone. Your life just isn't complete until you've heard the "Hick-Hop" sound of CBT. So with that, I give Cowboy Troy - Loco Motive 8 disembodied Cowboy Troy heads out of 10!
Shake a hand instead of shaking a fist.
Marion and The Flyin' Jew
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