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| .....My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade review: Written By Marion and The Flyin' Jew |
Written 1-13-07
Marion: Today, the Jew and I bring you a look at My Chemical Romance's latest album, The Black Parade. Based on my original, distracted listening of said album, I feel I'm probably going to regret doing this. I guess I sometimes I must suffer for my craft. At any rate, maybe this review will benefit you readers by convincing you to steer clear of this overrated, self-important piece of crap. That combined with the fact I'm still sick and feel like crap means I'll also be doing this article on painkillers, too. I don't think I could make it through an MCR album otherwise.
Jew: You might remember an early article from back when THI was tehinternet.8m.com, where I admitted to enjoying the band, and said that they had a bright future ahead of themselves. But just like Marion, I had a distracted play through of this album once, and was anything but pleased. I've owned the CD since it came out, and have only listened to it once. My first impression was so bad, that I haven't had any desire to try listening to it again.
I did, however, really enjoy working on the Cowboy Troy article with Marion, and told him that we should do something similar in the future. I didn't expect Marion to cash that voucher in on this particular project, but a man keeps his word, so here I am, listening to all sixteen tracks of this travesty of an album for the second time.
Marion: I don't know what the hell that picture is or why you put it there, but why is the Joker holding a miniature Randy Orton on a rocking horse against his will? I'm gonna be severely disappointed if I don't see a picture of that kid hitting the RKO on the Joker by the end of this article.
The End
Marion: No, you're not getting off that easy. That's the song title. See what they did there? God, they're creative! Starting a cd with a song called "The End" is such an innovative idea! I can certainly see already why this cd's gotten so much hype from various media outlets.
The track starts out with the sound of a heart monitor, or EKG or whatever. Something tells me before this album finishes, I'm gonna hear someone flatline. Unfortunately, it might be me, as if it's as bad as the first time I listened to it, I'll probably kill myself. Afterwards, a medium-paced, acoustic number starts, which turns electric nearly halfway through. Then acoustic again. Then electric again. Is this what all the hype's about? Is it that revolutionary to needlessly switch between acoustic and electric in midsong?
Jew: This may sound like WWF wrestler Taz is about to make an entrance, but I can assure you that there is no orange fireworks, no broken fog machine, and there are certainly no suplexes or Tazmissions. You are hearing my pulse... Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you, because what I discovered with this album was a tragic affair, more evil than anything I have ever battled before...
Dead!
Marion: Aaaaaand....there's the flatline. That came far quicker than I was expecting. I've gotta admit though, it's not as bad as I remember it so far. Maybe it just clashed too horribly with the mood set while playing Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. During this song, Gerard, the lead singer who will be known during the rest of this review as Svetlana due to his eastern European, feminine appearance, sings "Wouldn't it be great if we were dead?" Why yes, Svetlana. It would be great if you were, as I wouldn't have to see that horrifyingly creepy, pasty, girlish face of yours on MTV, various awards shows, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and just about everything else I don't want you involved in. Hatred for them as people aside, as well as my inherent dislike for this album from the first listen through, it's actually still not half bad. Dead! is an upbeat, quick song about dying, I think. I'm actually finding myself bobbing my head around to the music right now, although I can't be sure if it's the music or the pills that are causing it.
Jew: I would be inclined to say that the album starts out strong, that they start out sounding a lot like their old selves, and that I am looking forward to this album, but I would be giving into the madness. I must not succumb to their vile will...
This Is How I Disappear
Marion: Another song that's fairly energetic and fast-paced. At the very least, this album's not boring me this time around, but we're only three songs in. That can all change in an instant, so don't think you're in the clear yet, Svetlana! I've gotta wonder though, if he's showing me how he disappears, why am I still stuck listening to him? I don't really have any idea what this song's about, so I'm just gonna pretend it's about cheesecake, because cheesecake's delicious. This may be my favorite song about cheesecake ever.
Jew: Besides ripping a name off of a Metallica song, this song also sounds good... NO! I must fight it! I must close my mind to this illusion! I prayed many times during this fateful night, and I believe that the only thing that kept me alive in the end was my strong devotion to Judiasm. If it weren't for the power of my god keeping my mind from being clouded, I might have ended up like the wretched masses that say this CD is a great achievement to music.
Ninja Marion: Be right back. Goddamn virus or whatever this is
aJewThatCanFly: Back?
Ninja Marion: Yeah.
Ninja Marion: God, I feel like shit.
aJewThatCanFly: puking?
Ninja Marion: Nah. Other end.
aJewThatCanFly: see, it's the sickness.
Ninja Marion: I blame MCR
Ninja Marion: I wasn't having to rush to the bathroom every 5 minutes until we started this review.
aJewThatCanFly: Svetlana has damned you.
Marion: I'll have my revenge, My Chemical Romance. You will rue this day!
The Sharpest Lives
Marion: Another quick song, this time about being in love with vampires or some shit. Oh God. I think Svetlana just asked to be blown. Fuck that. Next song!
Jew: They are trying harder to take me. I cannot be consumed by this madness! This song sounds similar to my favorite MCR song, "You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison," but I cannot give in to this phantom apparition! I would be no better than those who say that this album is a heavy metal masterpiece. I would have given into the hype. I would have been brainwashed along with the zombie hordes...
Welcome To The Black Parade
Marion: Now this is the track that's garnering the ludicrous amounts of praise. It starts out slow, with nothing but single piano notes, as Svetlana talks about his dad taking him to The Black Parade as a kid. His father then throws the burden of being the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned onto this poor kid. Maybe that's why he's such a tool. Maybe he buckled under the pressure of being Jesus. The song then speeds up as it finally kicks into the main part. I think the multiple tempos and styles during the song are why people are comparing it to epics like Bohemian Rhapsody, although in that song and Jesus Of Suburbia, the style changes fit, make sense, and work for the song. This is just taking a piano intro and then moving onto a typical "punk" song, without even a clever transition to do so. Sure, it's a decent song, and typically grows on you after repeated listens, and trust me, you will hear it multiple times. Over and over and over and over. At least if you listen to any commercial radio or watch MTV.
Jew: This is Svetlana's evil plan: The Black Parade. He will use this sound to brainwash the youth of America, to turn them into a mass of idiocy, who will feast upon the flesh of good music. This wave of death will start with heavy metal, and soon spread its influence all over music, until everything is picked from the bones of good taste, and crows stave their hunger on the carrion in the filthy streets. I don't know if I can endure this any longer...
Eye Of The Tiger
Marion: Aw yeah! Now this is what I'm talking about! Lee Harding takes an already awesome song and adapts it to a more current style, all without losing the feeling of the original. I might even be so bold as to say that this one's actually more energetic and badass than the Survivor version. It makes me wanna chug some raw eggs and box someone. Easily the best song on this album so far!
Jew: But what's this familiar bass line? From the mist comes my strength to go on. Almost like a healing salve, The sound of Eye Of The Tiger filling my ears nurses my overburdened body, and I am able to stand and continue my quest to travel to Castlevania and vanquish Count Dracula once again review this album.
Cactus Chris plays this song frequently in the car, much to my disdain. I prefer Survivor's version to any cover, but if I must I will settle for CKY's or Greenday's rendition. This, however, is an emergency. My comrade Marion has already fallen victim to Svetlana's curse, and I fear for his survival.
I Don't Love You
Marion: Good. I don't fucking love you either! And your music sucks, so we're even, dick! This is the first slow song of the album, although it's still heavier and more fast-paced than your typical ballad. Considering this is a concept album about a guy that dies of cancer, what's up with this song? Is he singing it? If so, why? He's already dead? Is it some chick singing it to him? Does she not love him as much as she did yesterday because he's dead, or was she a huge bitch that never really loved him and now that he's dead, she doesn't have to pretend anymore? So many questions, so few answers! I need more Kool-Aid!
Jew: This album is like a tray of finger sandwiches. It's supposed to be delicious, and looks great on the outside, but once you sink your teeth in, it's hard to swallow, and leaves you with a terrible aftertaste. Also, just like finger sandwiches, it probably didn't take long to put together.
House Of Wolves
Marion: Back to fast, punk-like material. Oddly, there's no mention of vampires, werewolves, or other mythical creatures, despite another song repeatedly shouting about how he loves vampires. Although there is talk of him burning in hell, which I'm all for, as well as the endorsement of arson, which our pal Cowboy Troy advocates just because he's gotta work the day after a party.
Jew: The vampires use werewolves as familiars, which makes getting close to them very difficult. I had decided that if I wanted to destroy Svetlana I would have to venture through the den of the Lycanthropes. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to find decent punk band "The Offspring" in this hellish domain.
There was nothing I could do for them. They had already changed. They had already gone to hell. Much like how this song sounds like some sort of twisted work off of one of their early albums, perhaps their self titled, or "Smash," The Offspring have gone poppy.
Cancer
Marion: Ah, here it is. The album's first true ballad. This song's a slow, sad account of dying of cancer. Didn't the guy already die in the first song? Wait, that was the beginning of the second song. Either way, he's worm food by now, so why's he talking about his cancer? This song also has one of the stupidest lines on the album in "Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo." Next song, please.
Jew: This cancer upon society is spreading. There is nothing that can contain it. The only way that I can put an end to this madness is to drive a wooden stake through the chest of Svetlana and send his accursed soul back to the depths of the underworld where he belongs. But... the battle with The Offspring has left me injured and weak. I fear that I may be infected. I must persevere! I cannot get down with this sickness, or Svetlana will plunge this world into eternal darkness.
Mama
Marion: Wow, talk about optimism. This song's nothing but cancer guy telling his mama how we all go to hell and get eaten by flies and all that cheerful, Christian stuff. It takes us back into the quicker side of their songs, and thus becomes just another typical "punk"-like song that's indistinguishable from everything else on this alb....WHAT THE FUCK? Did I just hear Liza Minelli? That's their groundbreaking songwriting technique...writing two lines for Liza Minelli in a random song that would be exactly the same without her? The music may be growing on me, but God, I wanna punch Svetlana in the face for this.
Jew: I fell into a fever from the cursed blood that is surely running through my veins after the fight with the Lycans. I had visions of my mother, and my family. I was dreaming of the old days. I lived next door to my childhood friend Lavie, and we used to play every day. Lavie didn't have a mother of her own, and her father and mine were Vanship pilots, but one day they went out on a mission and never returned. Mother took care of us, but eventually died. People say that she was waiting to get back to her love, and finally couldn't take the loneliness anymore. Lavie and I swore then that one day we would become great Vanship pilots and cross the grand stream together...
Jew is slowly losing his mind...
Sleep
Marion: This song starts off with unintelligible garbling that sounds like it could be a phone conversations, kinda like Master P used to lead into both versions of Make 'Em Say Uhh. That song was much better than this one, however. I think the voices may be talking about terrorism, which could mean that just by reviewing this, I'm in danger of getting Patriot Act-ed. This song's kinda slow while still being a bit too fast and upbeat to be a "slow" song. The same can't be said for Svetlana. He's definitely slow.
Svetlana preparing to board the bus to the school for "special" people.
Jew: ...I am fighting a losing battle. Marion would later tell me that I would sleep for days at a time. The fever was not breaking. Marion was succumbing to the same curse, and if we don't do something, we are both going to die here...
It's A Fight
Marion: Awesome. Yet another catchy song that sets the mood for the fight between Rocky and Mason Dixon perfectly. Since Eye Of The Tiger wasn't used in the movie, this was the best, most motivating song in it, and much like Eye Of The Tiger, kinda makes me want to box someone, although no raw egg chugging this time. I mean, how can you go wrong with the Three Six Mafia's masterful songwriting that includes lyrics like the following?:
"Yeah
Yeah
We ain't playin' wit cha
We ain't playin' wit cha
Step yo ass up
What chu wanna do
Get yo ass knocked down
What chu wanna do
Get ready
What chu wanna do
Three six mafia... mafia
Let's go (wassup)
Yeah
We ain't playin' wit cha
It's goin' down
It's goin' down"
Jew: ...I dreamt that I was a great Italian stallion, and that I had to cross a line that stretched across four states. There were insurmountable odds, and everyone was telling me that I could not do it. They said that I was too old, that I needed to "build some hurtin' bombs." But in the end, I proved them all wrong. I built those hurtin' bombs, and I went the distance.
Teenagers
Marion: More of MCR's ground-breakingly innovative musical skills. Odd then, how much this sounds exactly like it should be off one of The Offspring's middle albums, maybe Americana or Original Prankster. That in itself isn't enough to damn them, however the fact that The Offspring did it better and first, is. For a revolutionary album that's supposed to change the face of music as we know it, they sure have "borrowed" styles other bands plenty on this one. I really don't get how this album's gotten such lavish praise. It sounds like the same, generic garbage that's typically played day in, day out on MTV and your local "rock" radio station.
Jew: I remember once Wood and Smurf came to visit and see my apartment, and we all ended up going to the bar. Somehow, probably Kayla's fault, we wound up getting separated. Later on Smurf gets a call from a drunk Wood, who wandered out of the bar and found his way to the Tuscan Cafe, where they were having a concert with local screamo bands. Wood was terrified, shouting "Vampires! Fucking faggot vampires! Somebody come get me! Somebody help me!"
Those teenagers scared the shit out of him. Clad in tight fitting jeans and donning way to much black eyeshadow for their own good, they would have terrified even the bravest of souls.
Disenchanted
Marion: This song's kinda slow and kinda shitty. I'm gonna gonna skip it. You should too.
Jew: Svetlana had sent assassins. These vampires were dangerous, and they knew what we had said about their album. How could Marion and myself defend ourselves from them? How can anyone defend themselves against an army of bloodsucking monsters, cloaked in black hooded sweatshirts, clutching iPod Nanos like melee weapons, all practicing their gaytarded karate kicks and picking up change in some sort of grotesque mockery of dance? I would have to hold fast to my faith if I planned on making it out of here alive.
Famous Last Words
Marion: I really don't have the slightest clue what half these songs are about. Hell, I'm looking at the lyrics to this right now and still really don't know what's going on. Didn't the guy die like 12 songs ago? How do you make a concept album where your main character dies right away? Moreso, how do you just keep singing on like he's not dead? Anyway, this is another middle of the road song, like the other 12 so far, that I neither really like or really hate. Seems to be a theme for this album.
Jew: We had outwitted the assassins, and finally Marion and I had found Svetlana. After a fierce battle, he lay on his deathbed. I was finally free of my cursed bloodline. in the throes of death Svetlana told me many things. He told me how his father took him to a parade as a child, and how he had the responsibility of his people thrust upon him, and that passing on his vampirism was what he deemed a means to the end. To be honest, he seemed somewhat noble as the life left his eyes, and I feel that in another life, under different circumstances, we might have grown to become great friends...
Blood (Hidden Track)
Marion: Ahhh....the mysterious "hidden track," also known as a generally short, one minute piece of crap after ten minutes of silence at the end of an album. This one's only got a minute and a half of silence before it starts, followed by a shitty, 1930's style, phonograph-like recording about blood. I've very ready for this cd to end.
Jew: As Svetlana's body turns to ash and blows away in the wind, he leaves us a parting song. How fitting that a vampire's last words are about blood... Marion's condition is getting worse. Even though I vanquished the evil and put an end to my own accused bloodline, was I too late to save my Partner-in-arms?
Conclusion
Jew: ...And out of the darkness we emerged. We had seen horrors beyond our wildest imaginations... yet somehow... we were still alive. This is our tale. How we survived insurmountable odds and tore apart an evil greater than anything the world has ever seen before. I documented our trials here for you to read, but whether you believe it or not is up to you...
Marion: Overall, I'd say this album was much better the second time around. It wasn't the best album ever, but it's grown on me. The Black Parade assimilates all who witness it, and this reviewer was too weak to stand up to Svetlana's dark magic. I give The Black Parade 4 disembodied Cowboy Troy heads out of 5.
 
One of us. One of us. One of us...
Marion and The Flyin' Jew
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