Written 1-11-07
Marion: So here it is, months later with no recent update and me once again going to the well to pull another cosplay article outta nowhere. Yeah, so I work the gimmick. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? We do it and we do it well, I'd say, so why not go with it? So if you'll bear with me, me and the Jew are give you yet another hastily compiled, spur of the moment article making fun of cosplayers. Hopefully this'll satisfy the girlfriend's desire to have a new MX article to read. I also feel I should take this time to point out that I'm writing this article entirely on painkillers, so...weeeee!
Jew: I don't have an opening paragraph. This is another one of those "make fun of something with a buddy" articles, which write their own opening paragraphs, and don't need any closing paragraphs. This seems to be Marion's niche, and I suggest on multiple occasions that he concentrates more on this and his music articles, but he will hear none of this. One thing, however, struck me as worth mentioning:
Marion Wallace: I ask before we start this though, try and make as few typos as possible, as it was kinda a bitch editing all our aim convo for the cover article.
Peter Kowalsky 2006: hahah
Peter Kowalsky 2006: ok
Marion: Oh, Shit. Your part of the intro reminded me...I gotta actually use linebreaks in this thing. Shit, it's been too long since I wrote something.
Now, before we get into our usual routine, we've noticed a couple cosplay trends, and we'd like to discuss these unspoken cosplay rules.
Cosplay Rule #1: When in doubt / when wearing a halfassed costume, bring along a random stuffed animal.
Marion: Pretty self explanatory...when you can't come up with a good, creative costume or accessories to go with it, just grab a stuffed animal. E'rybody's doin' it. In the first picture, we have the quintessential example this rule, a cute, young girl that clearly doesn't think she needs to put out much effort, with a halfassed, unremarkable costume, accompanied by what appears to be a yellow koala in an attempt to link it to whatever the fuck she's cosplaying.
Jew: That's not a koala, Marion! That's Kerberos, or more commonly, Kero-Chan. More importantly, what's up with that outfit? I don't even recognize that girl. I thought Cardcaptors wore orange and white. Although one of them does wear blue.
Marion: Umm....WHAT THE FUCK, JEW? Why the hell do you know something like that? More importantly, why would you publicly display that knowledge? Seriously...anyways, moving on. The next two seem to be more examples of cosplayers feeling the need to add more to their costume out of a fear that it's not enough. Or at least the Rikku one does. I don't even know what the fuck the middle picture's supposed to be, so I don't know if there's effort and whether it's accurate or not. Hell, it kinda looks like a messed up attempt at a Parapa The Rapper costume, but then the stuffed animal makes no sense to me, so I'm just gonna assume it's a lazy attempt at something I've never heard of.
Jew: Why isn't that guy wearing pants?
Marion: Hey, sometimes you need to show up to a cosplay convention pantsless. That's the way the world works. Why? The world may never know...
Cosplay Rule #2: When in doubt, and without enough money to buy a stuffed animal, come up with an idea that's completely bat-shit insane and run with it.
Marion: Wow...I think I outdid myself on these ones. Shit, where to start? Douchebags covered in cereal boxes, a guy with costumes comparable to Cardboard Yuna, an effortless attempt at a Mr. Sparkle costume, and one of the most accurate costumes ever, dancing Pocky boxes. The cereal guys clearly have way too much time on their hands. I wonder how much cereal box armor goes for on ebay. Cheap-Ass Costume Man is great. I gotta respect a guy that just tapes some cardboard to himself, hangs an object off his crotch, and then goes to a cosplay con to mingle with people that actually put work into their costumes. I bet at least one cosplayer exploded in anger after seeing the little amount of effort CACM put into his costume versus what they put in theirs.
Jew: Cheap Ass Costume Man is an enigma. Did he do this because he really didn't have any money? Did he do it to poke fun at all the shitty cosplayers, just like we are doing? Or is he doing it because he just thinks it's funny? His second outfit suggests that he did it for the ladies, but what kind of lady likes a gallon of milk hanging from her man's crotch?
Marion: The kind that licks asshole in grainy, amateur internet porn. Err...uhh...as you were saying...
Jew: The Mister Sparkle outfit is terrible. I don't even see how it's a costume. The guy is just walking around with a poster board taped to his face. It makes about as much sense as ethernet cables and Mai-HiME.
The Cereal Box Robots get major cool points. They look like a CHIKARA Wrestling gimmick. I would love to see these guys in the next Super Robot Wars game. The Pocky Dancers have the best costumes here (Oh god, that's foreshadowing of the hell to come.) as you can see here.
Marion: Yeah, the Sparkle one's pretty terrible. Gotta wonder who thought that was a good idea. I think it might have even less effort put into it than the aforementioned Cardboard Yuna, which is a sad thing to say. Dancing Pocky. What can I say about this that the picture doesn't say itself? It's one of the most accurate costumes you'll ever come across, as well as being one of the more out-there ideas for a costume. I give dancing Pocky 4 thumbs up. Hey, Ebert's been on hiatus for months. It's not like he's using them.
That does it for this article's unspoken cosplay rules. I'm sure when we do the next one, we'll probably have a few more rules for you to study so you too can become a cosplay master!
Now, moving on, we have our first entry in the regular segment of this article. This is one that actually kind of left me speechless upon first seeing it...
1-Up Man
Jew: I have a sneaking suspicion that 1-Up Man is actually Mr. Bomberman from the Syd Lexia Forums, but don't tell him I said that. This is certainly one of the more outrageous outfits I've ever seen, and it's only the first real entry in this article. For those confused, the only real part of the costume is 1-Up Man's head, where he cosplays as a 1-Up mushroom from Super Mario Brothers.
Moments later, Jack Thompson led a class action lawsuit on behalf of the parents of 1-Up mushrooms everywhere
Marion: Man, these people just keep getting weirder and weirder the more of these I do. This is nearly as accurate a costume as you can do for a 1-Up mushroom, aside from the fact this man is ludicrously black. And...you know...having arms, legs, pants, feet, etc...
Marion: It's no secret that oftentimes, cosplayers like to act out scenes from the source material, which is just fine by me. It's in the spirit of fun, so go with it. However, I seem to be forgetting what part of Final Fantasy 7 had Cloud just squatting down watching Aeris die without so much as flinching. Hell, he kind of looks like he's studying it. I also don't recall Auron being in that scene, or even that game, but I'm sure if he was there, he certainly wouldn't be casually watching Aeris be brutally murdered by some guy that isn't fit to hold Auron's jock.
Jew: *sniff* You know... *sniffle* Aerith is my favorite character, *sniff* and when she died I was a little broken up by it. *sob* When I was younger.... I kind of shed a tear over this scene. *sniff* and.... and...
Marion: Dude, seriously. What the fuck? Who are you and what did you do with the real Jew? Did you stop taking some doctor-recommended medication or something? And what the hell does that have to do with their poorly acted scene, anyway?
Since Jew's off in the corner wailing uncontrollably like a small child, I'm just gonna move on to the next picture...
Marion: This picture seems kinda unremarkable at first, but upon closer inspection, I noticed the slight resemblance between this Auron and the esteemed physicist Stephen Hawking. I mean, look at him! This guy screams window-licker. The head cocked off sorta to the side, apparently only being held up slightly by that giant collar of his...the useless, dangling, awkwardly positioned hand...all you need is to put this guy in a wheelchair and I'd think Mr. Hawking took up cosplay and decided to show up as Auron!
Jew: OH AERITH! I miss you! *whine*
Marion: Jesus Christ, dude. First I gotta deal with Justin breaking into Guns 'n Roses songs every little bit, and now this. If I weren't too lazy to write these by myself, you bastards would so be out of a job.
Marion: Oh God, what the fuck is that thing? It sorta reminds me of one of the Yunas, which leads me to believe that costume may be in pain, much like Bwak!'s armbands. What is she even supposed to be? Is this a chocobo with extreme liberties taken? Is it just me, or do her armpits look like they'd bleed gravy?
Jew: Once upon a time, there was a game called Final Fantasy X. There were many people auditioning for the role of the main heroine. One of those girls was Patty. Unfortunately, Yuna was chosen instead, which put Patty into a psychotic rampage. Donning a yellow summoners garb, Patty would not rest until every single Yuna cosplayer under five hundred pounds was gone.
Marion: You know, I'm sure there's something ridiculously hilarious in this picture, but for the life of me, I'm not coming up with anything. Any other time, a Mexican or black dude in an angel costume running around with a giant hypodermic needle would be perfect to make fun of, but aside from some kind of joke like "Here, an assistant prepares Keith Richards' pre-concert heroin dose", I got nothin'.
Jew: It looks like Patty got 1-Up Man.
Marion: So I got dragged to Ohio to see Phantom Of The Opera with my girlfriend last week, but it surprisingly wasn't as bad as I thought. As a result of seeing it, I threw my Phantom Of The Opera covers into my current playlist, and as Jew and I were about to start this article, one of them came on in Winamp, leading my curiosity to wonder if there were any Phantom Of The Opera cosplayers. There are, and unfortunately for us, this guy's one of them. His Cosplay Lab costume page claims the make-up took 4-6 hours to apply, and forced him to sleep in it to make sure it stayed on. First, how the fuck is sleeping with it on supposed to keep it on? Somehow, I think putting the make-up on and then not doing anything to it would be the best way to keep it on, not laying in a bed, rolling around and tossing and turning and burying your ugly, double-chinned face in your pillow. Second, how could that possibly have taken 6 hours to put on? It's white face paint, a splotch of red around the mouth, and a few patches of shitty-looking black "scabs." He kind of looks like a clown that's had his face kicked in.
Jew: This costume is pretty accurate. You see, The Phantom of the Opera wears a mask because he's ugly. This man is ugly. Second best costume here, next to the Pocky.
Marion: This guy's Cosplay Lab costume page claims a bill of $100 to make this costume. Was half of that used to buy the rum that got him drunk enough to think this was a good costume? All it consists of is some super plush-looking dog / wolf parts and a green t-shirt and some pants. I'm not at the end of Twilight Princess yet, so I don't know if Wolf Link dons a green t-shirt at some point and throws on a pair of khakis, but I'm gonna lean towards it not happening. Not only is this costume thus inaccurate, it looks less like a cosplay costume and more like something one of those damns furries (Caution: Link is probably not safe for work. It definitely isn't if you've got SafeSearch turned off) Would wear while acting out their freaky cat and wolf sex fantasies.
Jew?
Jew? You there? you gonna say something about this one?
Jew: Ok, listen. This is hard for me to talk about, so listen up. Once when I was a child, Zelda molested me. *sob*
Marion: Oh, God dammit! Not the sobbing again. Fuck, I might as well be doing this by myself.
Marion: I know I say this a lot in these articles, but what the fuck is that thing? A...giant cat...that's a bus? How much blow did these fuckers do before coming up with this idea? I think it's peering into my soul.
Jew: Believe it or not, his name is actually Catbus. He's from "My Neighbor Totoro" and is a "Bake Neko." In Japan, it's believed that if a cat grows old enough, it gains magical shape changing powers.
Marion: Yet again, you explain some weird-ass anime thing that no one should ever know. It astounds me.
Jew: I watch cartoons where school girls with magical powers wear pretty dresses and fight monsters, Marion.
Jew: This is an EXCELLENT Courtney Love outfit. I don't recognize the red coat though.
Marion: Jew and I initially had trouble determining whether or not this is, in fact, a female, which I'm still kind of unsure about. If it is, however, it's one of the best shirtless male character-female cosplayer conversions I've ever seen, thanks to the skillful use of the random, unnecessary man-tit covering strip the character normally sports.
aJewThatCanFly: Funfact: Dante in Devil May Cry 2 isn't Dante.
Ninja Marion: Funnerfact: I'm listening to The Facts Of Life and Charles In Charge while writing this next entry.
Marion: I'll admit I've never really watched Fooly Cooly, despite having a couple friends that are pretty into it. That said, this costume appears to have the least amount of effort put into it of nearly all of the costumes here today. "Suit that I wore to grandma's funeral? Check. Cap guns that I took from my little brother? Check. Giant paper eyebrows? Check. Alright! Time to head to the convention! ^_______~; "
Jew: Jesus Christ. I want to punch this guy in the face. I bet his mom would kill him if he got his suit dirty. It's almost as bad as Jegin, who is wearing the suit from his Bar-Mitzvah.
Jew: Clever use of a fake beard covers up either unsightly neck fat, or an attempt at growing a real beard while he's struggling through puberty. Random Cosplay Tip #432: Putting a cigarette in your mouth makes you fifty percent cooler by default. This is a favored tactic for Cid Highwind cosplayers. Don't let your parents catch you smoking though.
Marion: I'm just gonna leave it at, "This guy's a lazy fuck." and move on.
Jew: They're all fat! It looks like a Twisted Sister reunion concert with all that fake blonde hair.
Marion: I like how the chick doing Kagome could just as easily be a Sailor Moon cosplayer.
Jew: Nah, Kagome is distinct because of her green outfit. The Sailor Scouts all have blue. When they turn into their heroine counterparts, they were color coordinated. Sailor Jupiter has a DARK green outfit though, as opposed to Kagome's lighter shade.
Marion: It scares me that you know all of this.
Jew: See, in Japan, different schools have different school outfits. The white outfit with the blue trim is the generic one, like Sakura from Street Fighter. Other ones include Blue with a white trim, green like you see here, brown that more closely resembles a Catholic school outfit, with the plaid skirt, and all sorts of weird neckties and bows. Younger grades, like the equivalent of middle school, usually use the "Sailor Moon" styles, with older grades adopting the "Catholic School" style.
Marion: It seriously fucking disturbs me that you know this offhand.
Jew: I still prefer the uniform that Tokiha Mai wears.
Marion: Ah yes, feudal Japan. The period of the samurai, Inuyasha, and transforming robots...
Jew: I hear the Decepticons played a major role in Nobunaga's army.
Marion: It's costumes like this that show the harsh reality of the streets. Men in hoodies and bandanas coming up to you trying to sell you guns, homosexuals in bomber jackets pointing at bandana guy's "gun", and a pink gi-wearing Dan Hibiki. It's enough to make you feel like you're back living on the mean streets of Detroit all over again...*sniffle*
Jew: Okay, this image ROCKS! As does the Dan Hibiki cameo.
Marion: It last image reminds me all too much of reality. That fateful day 8 years ago scarred me for life.
Jew: When the guy approached you on the street, opened his coat, and exclaimed "I GOT A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ON SALE STRANGER!"?
Marion: It was when Dan showed up that really burns in the back of my mind.
Marion: Once again, at first glance, nothing too noteworthy about this image. The dreidel-shaped Frylock in the background quickly caught my eye, however. He's supposed to be a box of fries. How many boxes of fries have you seen that are perfectly square, let alone with a pointy, beard tip on which to spin? This is yet another evil plot by the Jewish media to take over our cosplay conventions, and I will not stand for it!
Jew: I am not at liberty to discuss my people and their plans for world domination, but what's up with that massage thing going on to the left of link's feminine head? I wonder if they give happy endings.
Marion: The cold, the aching, and the painkillers are starting to get to me, so I'll let Jew handle this one.
Jew: This guy should have been lumped in with the "stuffed animal" rule. It's great to see all the THI guys coming out to cosplay though. Cbright played Miroku from Inuyasha a few images back, and here we have Optimist playing whoever the fuck this is supposed to be.
Marion: Hey, sometimes you need to hold a young girl at sword-point with your Nobody, Roxas, and make the bitch give you head. What's so weird about that? HEY! Don't even go there! She's legal in the Disney kingdom, dammit!
Jew: Yuffie is getting what she deserves. I could think of hotter people to put my penis into though. Yuffie is pretty underdeveloped, considering she was drawn by the same guy that made Tifa's rack and the Final Fantasy X-2 dyke platoon.
But to quote Mai-Hime: "There are some pedophile weirdos out there that are into underdeveloped girls like Mikoto."
Marion: These Zord costumes would be great...if they didn't have a 3 foot tall little shit power ranger hanging around them making them look tiny. It had to be a bitch wandering around in those things all day, too. I bet you get ridiculous ball sweat going on in those costumes. That's probably the sole purpose of the Dragonzord's tail, to act as a reservoir for all the ball sweat so it didn't short out any of Dragonzord's complex electronics.
Hey, you were warned I was doped up on painkillers!
Jew: That's not a Power Ranger cosplayer, that's a guy wearing an old Power Ranger Halloween costume. Those Zords look like they were a pain in the ass to make too.
I especially dig the guy walking around with the huge Star Wars poster in the background.
Marion: 3 things here:
1. At first glance, out of the corner of my eye, it kinda looked like Nightcrawler was about to blow Spidey.
2. What's up with the Jeff Hardy-like pose by Spiderman? Is this some kinda WWE / Marvel cross-advertising or something?
3. Since when did Spiderman decide to steal Mrs. Claus' skirts to go to anime cons?
Jew: Spider-Claus and Nightcrawler are doing a popular Hardy Boyz pose here, which is ironic, considering Spiderman and Nightcrawler vs. The Hardyz was one of my favorite matches in WWF Smackdown: Just Bring it!.
Seriously though, what the fuck is up with that skirt?
Jew: Squall and Squall make a cute couple. That's a terrible attempt at a scar on Squall number two, and Squall number one looks like a victim of mental retardation. To the direct left of Squall number one, you can see Bubba Ray Dudley. I don't think Hawaiian shirts are part of WWE dress code.
Marion: Oddly enough, the Squall on the right kinda looks like this chick I knew in high school, but taller. I don't think I ever thought I'd say this, but he kinda looks like he should be a tranny...like he should be on a page that you send your unaware friends the link to, and they see the face...scroll down some more. See the breasts (achieved by an expensive set of implants) and then unwittingly scroll down the rest of the way, only to be shocked by a half-flaccid Asian ladyboy cock. Go fuck yourself, Taurean! Err...whoa. What the fuck happened there? I blame that on the painkillers!
Jew:That's the fattest Vincent Valentine I've ever seen, and that girl does a decent Vash The Stampede. Vincent is sporting the new Nike Jordans, which is just wrong.
Marion: Girl? What are you talking about? That's clearly Neil Patrick Harris, TV's Doogie Howser, cosplaying Vash there. Also, I agree that's one of the worst Vincents ever. He was thin and tall, not short, fat, and bleeding from the eyes.
And so, we end yet another foray into the world of cosplay. At this point, you can expect cosplay stuff to be a regular feature around here, regardless of who I've gotta trick into co-writing them with me. I would let Jew say a few parting words, except he's back off in the corner, crying about Aerith dying, Zelda touching his no-no spot, Mel Gibson hating the Jews. On that not, I consider this article officially over. Go home. Nothing more to see here. Go on, leave. Stop reading.
Marion and The Flyin' Jew
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