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| .....A MaroonX Rant: Written By Marion |
Written 2-14-07
"What's this?" you ask. "Marion's actually written an article by himself?" Well "Fuck you!" I say! You try doing this if you think it's so easy! Err...I think I'm getting off to a bad start here. I think it works though, considering I was planning on bitching about stuff in this article, and what better way to start off an article where I bitch about stuff than to bitch at the readers?
So I've been tossing this idea around for awhile, wanting to just do an article where I get to complain about stuff that annoys me, that I think is stupid, or just wanna rant about. How it'll turn out, I don't have the slightest clue. Hell, I don't even have all the ideas I wanna write about worked out yet. As such, it's not only my first article in a log time that I've gone solo on, it's also the first that I didn't have all my ideas thought out beforehand, so it could be interesting to see where this goes. If nothing else, at least it probably won't be worse than my shitty article about annoying ad campaigns.
These guys
Now, I know everyone's entitled to their own opinion, and everyone has their own sense of humor, but come on! This place is a forum for a site dedicated to Photoshopping (or in the really horrifying instances, MS Painting) cartoon characters from their normal selves into fat, animated blobs.
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So I'm being judged to be a bad, lonely, pathetic person who will never have a relationship ...by a bunch of people that sit on the internet and get off making fictional characters fat??? If that's not an indication I'm doing something right, I don't know what is.
We can't all be as positive as you, BBW Anime guys!
If what kind of forum they're from wasn't bad enough, these guys are also morons. In assuming two equals one, they make one of the most typical mistakes done by idiots that bother to complain about these kinds of sites. Guess what, dumbasses? "Written by Marion and Riv" means just that. It was written by two people. Off-base generalizations about appearance or love lives don't even remotely apply when you can't even realize that the thing you're bitching about probably wasn't even written by the person you're directing it at. He happens to have a great relationship and didn't even agree with his co-author that the ones you people bitch about were fat. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. I thought some of them weren't fat ...but Riv did, and thus wrote on those ones that you window-lickers are so often bitching about. How about you actually try and read next time?
The above image is real. Yes, someone is that stupid.
Oh. I see. Nevermind. I feel horrible having mocked these people. I didn't realize it was a forum of people with actual mental disabilities. That changes everything. I mean, that's the only explanation for how someone can actually need to "find" my email address like it's some closely guarded, ancient treasure. Last time I checked, the spammers didn't need Indiana fucking Jones to find it. Here's a hint; It's at the bottom of the fucking page where it says my name in bright red, is underlined, and is a mailto link.
Gwen Stefani and Fergie
I, like plenty of people, used to like No Doubt. That included liking Gwen Stefani overall, as she was part of the band I liked, and as a bonus, was attractive. Then she went solo. Bad, bad, VERY bad idea ...maybe not for her, but certainly for anyone that's ever had to listen to her solo music.
Fergie never contributed much to any music I liked and I never found her all that attractive. That makes two strikes against her to begin with ...then she went solo. Actually, "My Humps" was done with the rest of the Black-Eyed Peas, but it was the first song to notably feature her, and thus the first step down the spiral staircase to hellishly bad music.
Unfortunately for all of us, they didn't stop there. With each successive song, they manage to beat the previous single's shittiness, a feat one would think near impossible with "My Humps" and "Hollaback Girl." Apparently Gwen realized the only way to get worse than, "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" was to inlude yodelling. She fucking yodelled in a pop song! Fergie then went out to record the god-awful "London Bridge," a song about how her London bridge wants to go down everytime "you" come around. Yeah, I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.
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Still doesn't make sense, does it? Fergie's career is a nightmare for anyone with taste, sensibility, and most importantly, even the slightest shadow of intelligence. First we got "My Humps." This was a song about her tits, her ass, and how guys wanna fuck her and buy her shit because of that. Then we got "London Bridge." This song's more about what a huge, disgraceful to all of woman-kind, slut she is, and wanting to fuck the "you" of the song. It also has a secondary theme of her thinking she's super-important and shouldn't have to wait in lines at the club. Her latest single is "Fergalicious." This is, yet another, song about how awesome she is and how everyone wants to fuck her. Noticing a theme here? It's part arrogant, obnoxious, ego-driven anthem and part spelling bee, following Gwen's lead of spelling random garbage during the song, and making me want to punch them both in the face.
Private MySpace profiles
"Oh man! You mean there's a site where I can put a profile up and meet all kinds of new people? That sounds awesome! Now just let me make my profile private so that only my friends can view my profile ...don't want anyone I don't know looking at my profile."
Why even join one of those "social network"-type sites if you're going to make your profile private and lock yourself off from everyone on it? It's like going to one of those speed-dating things and then having a group of large men stand around you to keep everyone from getting near you or talking to you. You can't want to meet new people while at the same time, keeping those same new people from being unable to talk to you or in any way interact with you! It doesn't work that way! If you want to keep everything to yourself, get a fucking Live Journal and set it to friends-only instead of taking up bandwidth checking your myspace 80 times a day to read comments and bulletins from your friends you could just talk to on AIM, asshole! If you think about it realistically, would MySpace, the site you're using to have a profile to show off and keep in touch with your friends, even be remotely as popular as it is if everyone followed your lead and had private profiles?
Creepy motherfuckers that find my site via search engines
This is in here so I can discuss some of the stuff people have searched for and found my site instead, without me having to devote an entire super-cliche article to those darn wacky search results. There's plenty of your typical search results in there, with things such as article titles, the website name, names of songs that have been discussed on the forums, and other such things. Unfortunately, there's also other, more horrifying things that have somehow directed people here.
Firefox Hentai: Yep...someone actually searched for Firefox hentai, and thanks to a forum post from Jew, that search led them here.
Wendy O. Koopa Hentai: Son of a bitch. Again, thanks to Jew, another creepy hentai search leads another deviant here. Why on Earth would you want to see the daughter of the Koopa King engaged in creepy cartoon sex anyway?
Bumpy Knuckles - Bang Bang: Ok, so this one's not really all that special ...until you consider how fucking persistent the guy searching for this is. Every month, there's one or two hits from at least 3 variations of "Bumpy Knuckles Bang Bang." I'm not sure why, but this guy still has not gotten it into his head that THERE ARE NO BUMPY KNUCKLES MP3S HERE AND NEVER WILL BE! For the love of God, stop coming here for that song! Get a fucking Bit Torrent client or download Limewire. Also, fuck you, Jew! You caused this one, too.
Fat Women In Pain: Well this one's not so ba ...wait. What? Who the fuck was actually searching for fat women in pain, and why the fuck did they come here? It was probably one of those Anime Expansion people that's into sadism.
It only gets worse from here on...
Greasybikers: Interestingly enough, MaroonX is one of only four results for this term. Why they chose MaroonX.com instead of GreasyBikers.com is beyond me.
Showerrape Images: This one doesn't even make sense. We don't even show up in the results for this one! Err ...uhh ...moving on.
Roofies Recipe: Looks like someone's looking to have a good time. Now, while searching for a roofies recipe is bad enough on its own, it becomes way creepier when combined with the next search...
Hawthorne Heights Rape Time: I don't even know what to say about this one. Someone actually wants to rape a nationally known band, possibly the same dude wanting a recipe for roofies.
I dread what may happen if this man finds what he's looking for.
Annoying, half-screen TV logos
Yeah, you know the ones I'm talking about. You're sitting there watching your favorite show when all of a sudden, a large, solid bar shoots across the bottom of the screen, telling you of a show that's coming on sometime soon, accompanied by one or more characters from that show walking right the fuck in front of the show you're trying to watch! Those little corner logos can be bad enough at times, but these are just fucking ridiculous. Has anyone ever actually thought, "Oh, I'm so glad this giant, intrusive advertisement for Hogan Knows Best is covering one quarter of my screen, despite the fact I already know about the show, especially since they've shown a commercial for it during every break in this show so far!"?
Yep. This totally isn't intrusive.
Wikipedia
Now I know you might be wondering why Wikipedia would be on here, considering how damn useful it is. Well, have you ever gone to Wikipedia to read up on something, only to find yourself still on the site a few hours later, reading something very unrelated and decidedly useless? Don't lie! Of course you have! We all have, and therein lies its curse. You can go to Wikipedia to check the most innocent thing, and before long, you're reading the donkey punch Wikipedia page. Because I couldn't find the words to properly convey last Thursday's journey through Wikipedia in text, I've created this flow chart to illustrate the evils of Wikipedia.
Not pictured: The OxyCodone page I didn't even remember opening.
All I wanted to do was compare the character of House to Sherlock Holmes! Next thing you know, I'm reading all about black tar heroin. That is not a normal thought progression! It's actually even worse when they're logical jumps ...I'm not even gonna get into the time I jumped from Mortal Kombat article to Mortal Kombat article over the course of two days while writing the Annihilation review. No one should ever do that. It probably kills more brain cells than alcohol and crack combined.
Well, that about does it for today. There were a few more things on my list, but this article's already long enough, so maybe if people like this one, I'll come back with the rest and some new ones eventually. If you liked it, hated it, wanna share your own annoyances or weird Wikipedia paths, send an email or signup for the forums. That is, if you can find my masterfully hidden email address or forum link!
Marion
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