Let's Rape Little Boys
Written By Justin and posted on: 11-28-08

Every once in a while there is a subject that comes along that just jumps out at you as something you probably need to write about. To the entertainment and comedy writer, inspiration is often few and far between. Usually, we're just making something up to give ourselves something to update the site with. There are times when a chance look around the internet provides you with something that could best be described as "solid gold."

This evening I stumbled upon one such item. First of all, I should probably introduce you to a program known as RPG Maker. To those of you whom aren't already in the know, the RPG Maker series is a group of programs that allows the owner to create their own role-playing games. They can design the sprites. They can design the backgrounds. They can design the music, and the sound effects. Hell, you can even add special scripting to accomplish doing what the program isn't already built to do. One of the games created with this series of programs is a real gem by the name of (and I quote) "Let's Rape Little Boys!"

They have some real balls to make a game like this.

Now, I know what you're thinking. There absolutely cannot be a game like that, right? Well. Not only is there a game like that - but here is a brief synopsis of the storyline:

"A young American Hikkikomori named Jessica Ramirez is living (on her parents paycheck, of course) in a college town about 50-60 miles away from the state capital. Sometime between puberty, and now she developed a taste for delicious young boys. She tried to sate it through endless masturbation, shotacon hentai, and finally by writing really terrible fan fiction . . . BUT THE WORLD REFUSED TO CHANGE"

Chrono Trigger quote aside, this sounds like we should be preparing for something really atrocious. "Let's Rape Little Boys" is actually a Gaiden. That means it's actually a prequel. To what? I don't really know. I assume the sequel involves raping infants. The game was created by two people using the internet handles of "writer_guy", and "M5K." I'm sure this was entirely done for comedy purposes, and they're not harboring secret desires to play hide the sausage with their younger brothers. Still, perhaps the most amusing information that can be gathered from the zip file info is that the main coder's SISTER was his quality assurance tester. How in the hell do you look your brother in the eye after he hands you something like this to play test?

See, you do good as well as bad!

Well, I just unzipped the file, so I suppose we better get this over with. Come with me, my friends, as we go on a journey . . . to rape little boys.

When the game starts (well, once you pass the delightful flower based title screen), you just get dropped in a room with no buildup. You can walk around clicking on various stuff laying around the room to provide you with information about how the game is played. Apparently in this particular game your hit points are actually how close you are to cumming. Oh, and apparently women have the ability to use magic, for some reason. Don't believe me? Take a look at this screen shot:

That's right. CUM BUCKETS!

As you search around the room you'll find a few items. You know, standard RPG stuff like money, a gun, and used panties. You can also "fight" your vibrator if you want. This gives you the opportunity to see some of the creative special attacks like "jam it in", "wiggle it around", and "sensual rub". In addition, you can also get additional information on how to seduce boys from the computer. Oh, and Xibit stops by to say that he heard you like games, so he put a game in your game so you can play while you play. In this case, it's a RPG on the computer about you becoming a solider for Al Queda because they raped your mom. I really wish I was kidding about that. Unfortunately, this game hasn't been finished but it is promised for the next update of the game. Boy, oh, boy! I can't wait!

Hey look at the time!

Leaving the room you can find a pair of leather panties sticking out of the couch of this shared apartment, and you can find a badly programmed fridge that gives you an apple item every time you click on it. When you're ready to go, you head towards the front door which gives you access to the subway system. There are four train lines, and each brings you to a different series of destinations. The first line brings you to the 7-11, a library, and the park. The 7-11 is just a shop with not much else there aside from a way to con your parents out of 100 dollars. The library provides you a place to learn some new spells such as "Dominance", "Nipple Pinching", and "Anal Insertion". This also allows you the chance to collect a library boy via helping him with his homework.

While in the park you can tease the library boy in a secluded portion of the park, before taking him back to your apartment's bed to engage in a boss battle against him. After raping the child, he teaches you how to use mIRC, which makes me really wonder about that particular chat program. Anyway, the B-line train takes you to either a bar, a sushi joint, or a church. You can steal a nun's habit at the church to sneak into a strip club behind the bar. Why is there a strip club behind the bar? Good question. Here's a better one: who the fuck makes an RPG in which the subject is to rape small children?

We's g'un make him squeel!

The C-line of the bus goes to the Arcade, a College, and the kid's version of the Gap. You can buy various outfits in which to dress your victims in. This gives you relationship experience for some unknown reason. The D-line of the bus goes to the Sex Shop, and two places called "Placeholder." Obviously the game is unfinished, as this type of subject matter requires a heaping helping of creativity, and determination. Either that, or the people who made this are not only sexual deviants, but they're also LAZY.

The way the game basically works is you run around looking for a boy to pick up. You then use various methods to seduce the boy (see also: get him to level 4), so that you can rape him consensually. Each boy will give you some kind of special ability after you finish raping him, and you can make him take "sexy" photos which I believe you can sell on the internet later. These boys have creative names like "library boy", "church boy", "stripper boy", "cloud boy" and "arcade boy."

Those who are good at their investigations can find a group of Dungeons and Dragons players in the arcade. If you talk to one of the children playing, he will tell you that the only reason he plays is because the female dungeon master gives him a blow job following the game. If you speak to her about this, no doubt to inform her to lay off your turf, she would personally teach you how to perform oral sex, as well as hand jobs, and foot jobs. These are magic attacks you can use in battle. So remember ladies, the next time your boyfriend tells you giving him a blow job isn't an accomplishment - you tell him it's a fucking MAGIC SPELL!

Like seriously, for reals yo. Don't be rapin' kids at the park.

Unusual subject matter aside, how is it as a game? Well, it's pretty fucking bad is what it is. Mostly everything is either unfinished or badly programed. There is a room in the college where if you enter it, they didn't program a way of walking out of the room. Look it's all fun and games when you use an anal penetration attack on a six year old, but when we can't even program a door the game is over! What is perhaps another what the fuck for this game, is a look in the music folder reveals that both "Someday My Prince Will Come" from Snow White AND "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye are used, or are going to be used in the soundtrack for the game. This might give you the impression that they actually made an effort to make custom icons, and whatnot for the game. They didn't. Most of the stuff is just the generic crap that comes in the RPG Maker RTP, with a few minor additions to fit the "theme" of the game. This game seriously looks like it could have been thrown together in five minutes just so a bunch of fruits could masterbate with it. Or, in our case - a bunch of fruits can laugh while making fun of it.

This game is an experience. I can write about it, and tell you exactly how bad it is, but it won't do it justice. I can't do it justice, as this site has rules about showing nudity, and yes. There is nudity in this game. It's cartoon nudity, but the fact that there is nudity in a game about being a sexual predator is bad enough. So, for those of you brave enough to dive into this game an experience it yourself . . . you may do so here.

The fact this game exists makes me worry for the future. The fact this was produced by a family, makes me die a little bit inside. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I pray that today is going to be the day where everything goes right. People will stop fighting. People will forever get along. I think that one day there won't be people running around trying to cram their dick into people six sizes too small. I think these things, and I have hope. But . . .

Game Over