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Seinfeld: The Porn Written By Justin and posted on: 07-14-09 It has been quite a long while since I wrote anything. Several months at least. There are various reasons for this such as computer video issues, and a general lack of anything worth sitting down to poke fun at. At least to the point where it required me to actually sit down and put a little effort into the joking around. Every once in a while you find something that makes you want to pick up your old hobbies again. For baseball players they might see a hot new rookie playing and it will invigorate them with a newly strengthened love of the game. A former video game player might find his old flame rekindled via the release of a sequel to a popular game series he once spent many an hour playing with. For the internet comedy writer there is only one thing that can get you in a mood to where you want to write again: You've stumbled upon something so terrible you feel the need to warn the world of it's existence so it can be avoided entirely. For a while Marion over at Maroon X (formerly E&N: We need shit preserved!) had been trying to toss a few ideas at me to try to get me to write something. In addition Wes over at Scary Crayon had been mentioning he wouldn't mind having something I wrote tossed up as a guest article. I just needed something to actually write about. Salvation (or perhaps damnation depending on your viewpoint) finally came upon seeing a picture of the box art of a Seinfeld DVD on an image posting message board I occasionally look at. However, this was no mere DVD my friends. This was something far more sinister. Somebody had decided that the show about nothing apparently needed more nudity and sexual activity. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about Seinfeld: The Porn. Now I don't normally write about porn, or even watch much of it to be honest. I mean, I'd much rather be doing something like that rather than watching somebody else have all of the fun. Plus there are some downright disgusting forms of the adult film out there, and you really have to be careful about what you stumble into. Wes was recalling watching a clip of a movie called "Re-Penetrator" while I was discussing potentially reviewing this obvious sign of the apocalypse with him, and well ...I guess I should probably just let him speak for himself on this one: (1:20:48 PM) Wes: the most of a porn I ever saw was Re-Penetrator (1:20:52 PM) Wes: which was fucking disgusting (1:21:12 PM) Justin McDonald: I've never seen that. I can imagine the concept from the name. (1:21:23 PM) Wes: yeah (1:21:27 PM) Wes: parody of Re-Animator (1:21:48 PM) Wes: basically this zombie chick fucked a dude and then ripped him apart and ate his intestines while still fucking him Yes sir. Nothing gets a guy going quite like the mental image of one's genitals being mutilated in mid-coitus. Of course, being that this is a Seinfeld parody and not a horror movie parody it probably won't be as disgusting, right? Well, let me show you the picture of the box art I stumbled upon. One look at the guy playing George Costanza will tell you that ...yes, it will be just as disgusting:  Now perhaps the most disturbing factor in all of this is just how close they seem to look to the actual real life components. Well, at least for the most part. The guy playing Jerry could very well just be his twin. If his twin was being played by Kirk Cameron. I've already commented on how the guy playing George is an absolute mess, which ironically makes him the most like the original character. Elaine is oddly Fran Dresher-like in appearance, and of course we have Cosmo Kramer as played by Adrian Monk. Still despite being the mentally retarded versions of the original cast, they do all have a little bit of a resemblance so I guess you have to give them points for that. I mean, I'm not so sure the world needs to see Adrian Monk naked but at least you have to give them credit for throwing the option out there for people. Going into this I knew it was going to be bad. I was expecting absolutely atrocious acting. I was expecting dialog that would actually give me a headache from the sheer stupidity, and lack of comedy. I was also expecting the most horrifying forms of nudity I've seen in quite some time. The question is: were all of these worries declared true, or did I actually underestimate the pornographic world of Seinfeld. I mean, when you really think about it Seinfeld is the perfect television show to make an adult movie out of. Seinfeld is the show about nothing, and pornography is the movie industry about nothing. Then again you can't really expect much in the way of plots when the industry pumps out exactly fifty-seven direct sequels to something like "Asses Of Fire" within the time frame of one afternoon. On any account I invite you to come with me as we explore a world we're probably going to greatly regret investigating in roughly less than five minutes into it. Let us sit back, relax, and enjoy the comedic styling of Jerry Seinfeld ... the adult film star. Ugh. I can't even get through that line without grimacing offline. I'm not going to live through this fucking article. To think I could be watching "Angels & Demons" instead of this horseshit. The "movie" begins with our hero Jerry Seinfeld performing at a stand up comedy club, while doing a pretty craptastic impression of the actual comedian. This jobber needs to get some lessons from Gilbert Godfreid on how to pull off a Seinfeld. As expected, and completely unlike Jerry's actual performance these consist almost entirely of dick jokes. Though, I do have to give them credit for fitting the theme via making them observations about penis, rather than traditional dick and fart jokes. Still, I foresee a dark cloud flowing over my head and I'm only thirty-four seconds into a file that has a running time of an hour and nine minutes. From here the actual "episode" of Seinfeld begins with Jerry and Elaine at an adult store discussing the finer points of the elusive three headed dildo while waiting in line. What kind of adult store is so popular that they actually have lines? I spy with my little eye a guy behind the counter who's dressed like a soup chef. I think I see where they're going with this.  Apparently this chef has the finest pornography in all of the land. The stuff that you simply cannot find anywhere else ...except for any adult site on the internet, of course. He just has a set of rules, as shown by him denying a man his porn purchase due to the fact that he has dared to chew gum in his adult novelty shop. FOR SHAME! And yes, he does actually say "NO PORN FOR YOU!" for those hoping that the show's catch phrases have made it in. I'm not quite sure how funny it is, but at least they did their research. He has also been renamed the Porn Nazi. Jerry gets his movie, and then Elaine comes up asking if their double penetration is fresh today, thus pissing off the Nazi (who sort of looks like Super Mario in a ascot). From there we cut to an OBVIOUS stock footage shot of Jerry's apartment directly from the show, leading into Jerry's apartment where he is in the middle of watching the video while Elaine casually walks around discussing the audacity of that damned Porn Nazi. First of all, who in the fuck just sits down and watches porn with their friend at home unless you've got some sort of plans with that particular friend you've discussed prior? And I mean does Jerry have no self control? He had to pop that bad boy into the VCR as soon as he got home, company be damned? I don't know what kind of manners they teach in New York City, but I am not impressed. I'm also not very impressed with the fact that Jerry's apartment doesn't really resemble the real one much. I mean, I don't even see a fridge and that was such a big part of the show that they designed the damn DVD season set case after it. A few moments later I get my question answered as Jerry begins commenting on the cinematography of the porn he bought. I admit I'll probably laugh a little if this leads to him making bootlegs in seedy porn theaters for Kramer's thug friend. This of course leads to the two screwing after a hearty discussion about the FBI warning at the beginning of the video. No. Really. I guess nothing turns a New York woman on more than government messages about copying videos, or letting minors see the footage. Thankfully I don't think I actually have to go into detail as to what they get into here. If you're not sure where they're going with this I suggest you find an adult you can trust and ask them about the finer points of averies and honey production. Just think: I was only six minutes in when this started. After some careful fast forwarding I am now at about twenty-eight minutes in, and I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything remotely important. Not unless she started doing the Elaine dance halfway through, which would have actually probably been worth seeing for sheer morbid stupidity. You know if you edit out the sex scenes this is probably gonna end up being roughly the same amount of time as an actual episode of Seinfeld. That way I can pretend it's just the episode that got them canceled, or something similar. I can't help but wonder if these people tell other people that they've appeared on Seinfeld before. Also, while skipping through the lengthy sex sequence I noticed that they seemed to be using rejected songs from the crappy "Pure Moods" album. I also caught the colorful line of dialog "Choke me. I want to know who I belong to." I swear everything about this video is bad, and they should feel bad.  The next segment of the video is Jerry, and George within Jerry's apartment ...They haven't done anything and already I don't like where this is going at all. Suddenly Cosmo Monk steps into the apartment, and a really bad applause track plays over the dialog. Well at least they captured that part of the show. Kramer appears to have an armful of various porn videos. I REALLY don't like where this is going. Kramer throws them down on the floor, commenting that they're not doing anything for him. Kramer decides after advice from George, and Jerry that he should make his own porno. Silly me. I thought the worst was already over. I feel like I'm watching a celebrity impersonator talking to that guy from the Mac versus PC advertisements. Suddenly Jerry's girlfriend "Regina" shows up and decides to start rubbing all over the table for some unexplained reason. Then she leaves randomly. Back at the porn store the Porn Nazi has fired his assistant. Elaine shows up to buy an adult movie, prompting the Nazi to suspect that foul play is afoot in his classy establishment. Elaine is denied her porn, causing the audience to applause. We cut to the back room where Elaine, and the former employee are conspiring against the evil Nazi. This apparently involves having sex with one another. I'm not so sure how that is going to stop him ladies, but I guess girl power and all of that. Good luck to you both in your future endevours. You know, I have to comment on how unrealistic it is that Elaine is apparently having sex with all of these people. I mean shouldn't she be double checking to ensure they're sponge worthy first? Well I suppose it could be worse. It could have been George's actual mom from the show. Although the mental image of Jerry Stiller performing in a porno is downright hysterical. At the fifty minute mark we cut to the next scene, which seems to be Kramer's studio where he's making a sandwich while two girls kiss on a table. Apparently they're in a rush to for time because they don't even bother trying to do a skit before the next sex scene kicks in, which consists of the video Kramer is making. You know if they keep doing this I'm probably going to reach the end of the movie before I even finish writing this sentence. While skipping ahead to look for the end of the scene I saw Kramer running around in the background like an idiot, before eventually joining in on the shoot because directors always decide they're going to have sex with the people they're paying to act. I will never be able to watch an episode of Monk on USA again. Not without nightmares anyway. The end of the scene turns out to be the end of the first disk of the file. I had forgotten that it was only "part 1" of the movie, and that there is unfortunately another hour and fourteen minutes to go.  After some leftover portions of Kramer's video shoot we cut to Jerry's apartment. Kramer is there by himself and has taken it upon himself to give away Jerry's possessions so that he can put a giant zebra print bed in the middle of his living room. Jerry arrives on the scene and seems awfully calm despite the fact Kramer has apparently given his couches to the good will, and intends to have two strangers having sex in the middle of his home without asking. Unfortunately it turns out that one of these strangers might actually be George, who steps out of Jerry's actual bedroom wearing a robe. Please God. If you're actually out there please do me a solid and prevent me from seeing the evil that lies within that robe. George's fiance steps out shortly after, and Jerry takes the time to flee in terror from his own home. Unfortunately for George, and fortunately for everybody stuck watching this drivel some random guy happened to be out in the hallway in short shorts and walks into the apartment to reveal it will actually be him sleeping with George's future wife, and not George himself. Understandably upset George fights this potential infidelity by complaining out loud and leaving the apartment so that his fiance may proceed with her cheating. Yeah, seems like a pretty logical reaction to me. After George's fiance's starring role is over, we cut back to Jerry's apartment where his furniture is now back with no explanation given what so ever, and he's sitting with Regina who we met earlier. You know, the one who's really fond of tables. Well apparently Regina has some sort of mental disorder where she has orgasms really easy. I'm talking like a sudden gust of wind is enough to do the job, or at the very least the knowledge that she can watch The Muppet Show later in the evening. Jerry is none too pleased with this, because apparently she just can't control herself and has ruined many a trip to the grocery store, and book store. Jerry dumps her, and she leaves in a huff. However, before Jerry can leave himself Newman arrives at the door to explain to Jerry that he is going to be delivering a very important discretionary package to George on behalf of Kramer. Why Kramer can't simply just hand it to George himself the next time he arrives at Jerry's apartment within the next five seconds we will never know. Newman leaves and walks up to Regina who is hanging out in the hallway for undisclosed reasons. He impresses her with the mighty pick up line of "Is that polyester?" which of course is enough to show Regina that this is the kind of guy she wants to go to an adult video store with. Sure, why not? Newman is there to pick up a video for himself, while holding George's video under his arm. The Nazi doesn't approve of this and points menacingly at Newman, prompting him to drop the video and flee from the store in terror. The Porn Nazi then confronts Regina, mentioning that he thinks he remembers her from somewhere. This is apparently enough of an intimate moment to lead into the two having sex. You know, I was considering maybe moving to New York City one day ...but after seeing just how loose these people are with their morality five seconds after meeting somebody I think I might want to avoid the Big Apple lest I become just as corrupted as these people. Frankly I think the director, and the actors of this film should probably be institutionalized. While these sexcapades were going on Jerry, and Kramer arrived at the store because they're both apparently obsessed. No wonder they couldn't make it through that contest a few years ago.  Newman, and Regina walk out of the back room with Newman counting money. Now, I may have skipped through the vast majority of that sex scene but I'm pretty sure it didn't end with Newman suddenly rushing into the scene to sell The Nazi the video he was holding for George. I'm pretty sure he ran out of the building screaming. However, continuity be damned because there they are. A TV on the desk is playing a clip from George's Fiance's infidelity earlier in the movie, thus revealing that Newman had sold a private video meant for George ...of his wife cheating on him ...to a porn distributor. You can't write story lines like this folks. No, really. You can't. You'd flunk out of script writing school if you did. Newman walks off with Regina to buy a ham he saw in a window, leading into George and his fiance walking into the shot shortly after. Upon seeing the television George flips out on the fact that his private video is being played in public. Once again he seems to have no real issue with the fact his fiance willingly slept with another man she met seconds before the filming of her scene. The four leave in a huff, rather than actually attempting to do anything about the sale. You would think the scene would mercifully end at this point but alas, Elaine walks into the scene. It seems Elaine has a list of The Porn Nazi's secret distributors that give him all of his films, and can name off all of his most recent additions to prove it. Also noticeable is that the woman The Porn Nazi fired earlier in the movie is still standing at the cash register. You know I know adult movies don't have really good plots, and I know they're too focused on the sex part to really bother trying to have things make logical sense but at least Seinfeld had some degree of logical progression to the episodes. This thing can't even keep track of who got fired earlier in the movie, and for that matter how the hell did Elaine and this fired Asian woman manage to get into the back room without being arrested for trespassing earlier in the movie? This script writer is a hack! For some reason Elaine being able to run off names is enough to frighten the Porn Nazi into shutting down his store, ending the scene with Elaine yelling "NEXT!" just like on the actual show. Finally we cut to Jerry back on stage finishing the stand-up act we started with two painful hours ago. It's the same general jokes, but they did manage to throw a "what's the deal with these things" joke in there just to keep it relevant. Not a particularly good joke, but at least they made the effort. Eventually some black haired woman waltzes on stage in the middle of his act, thus putting an immediate stop to it and probably ruining his attempt at earning a pay check for the evening. Jerry, understandably upset, reacts as anybody would if some woman completely interrupted you while you were working in a public place with laws against indecent exposure: by having sex with her on stage, of course! Thankfully this is the last scene in the movie and the torture can finally end. God dammit how do people actually get the green light to make this garbage?  Once the torture is over the credits roll showing me that the renamed versions of the characters are as follows: "Gerry Seinfeld", "Elaina", "Crammer", "The Porn Nazi", "Gorge", and "Noman." I mainly mention this for the people who actually give a damn. I kind of expected some sort of awful re-imaging, although I was expecting something like "Came-er" rather than "Crammer". Either way I could feel my brain cells abandoning ship with each passing name as it flashed across the screen. Yet there was a light at the end of the tunnel ...for it was over. Mercifully, it was finally over. Though I do have to mention this movie did leave me with a lot of questions concerning pornography in general. For example: If porn is supposed to be discrete, and these stores are supposed to have unmarked bags and basically make it like you haven't purchased anything lewd then why the fuck do the boxes these movies come in have to be the size of a damn encyclopedia with very obvious markings. Oh sure, you could have a plain black bag but when you have one item in there that's roughly thirty inches thick and has the words "Butt Bangers Unlimited" in a cartoony font on the top I'm sure somebody will be able to see through your clever rouse. To be perfectly honest I'm not really sure who they're marketing this video to. I mean I'm a fan of the show and I didn't find it that funny. I mean, it was just absurd. In addition, I can't really picture anybody buying this to watch as a legit porn to get turned on because you've got people like Kramer running around to completely ruin any illusion of eroticism that they might be trying to develop. Thus, I have to assume this movie was specifically filmed for the purpose of making people on the internet that stumble upon it go "what the fuck?". Well at least they're not going to ruin any other good comedy shows with this kind of foolishne... ... ...  ...OH COME THE FUCK ON! SCRUBS?! That's it! I'm retiring from writing again. |
