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Cowboy Troy: Black In The Saddle Written By Marion and posted on: 07-15-09 So sometime around 4 in the morning, bored as fuck and not sleepy, I decided to organize a bit of my music. This came as a result of having to put some new stuff on my phone, specifically, making OH RADIO my new ringtone. You should all have it as a ringtone... WOO WOO WOO!... But anyway... while I was in the downloads folder, I decided to organize some of it, including tagging, renaming, and finally listening to some of it. Seeing as I haven't gone through this folder in quite awhile, there's a shitload of things I've downloaded that I forgot I even have. It is because of this, and the fact that The Matches' CD just ended, transitioning Winamp into the soothing sound of country fiddles, that I now, apparently, bring you Cowboy Troy 2: Not Electric Boogaloo, The MaroonX Review of Black In The Saddle. Yes, he did get paid to make a second album. Does it stack up to the insane absurdity of the first? How the fuck should I know? This is the first time I'm listening to it!  Buffalo Stampede: As mentioned above, Troy starts us off with some peppy fiddlin', before shouting, "GO!" and kicking in the rocking country electric guitar... if there is such a thing. Moments later, Troy hits us with some of that signature Tae Kwon Flo he's known for. I'm pretty sure he's telling me I'm fucked and am gonna die in a buffalo stampede. Apparently, this isn't a very important plot point, because he starts mentioning some Lyrical Gumbo pretty soon. I'd try Lyrical Gumbo... at least as long as there's no seafood in it. Wonder how much it'd cost to hire CBT to come make Lyrical Gumbo for me and some friends... Wait, what? He just mentioned a black buffalo from the DTX. So he's the buffalo? I guess that explains why I'm gonna die in a buffalo stampede. He must have read the review of the first album. Surprisingly, this sock is fucking rockin'. Quite unlike Dokken, in that respect. I could actually see people moshing around to this. Hell, I think parts of this are even growlingly sang by the dude from Avenged Sevenfold. Troy's talking about a brand new style, but this still sounds like his classic "What in the crikey fuck am I listening to?" style that I recognize from his first album. I don't know if it's actually because this track is that badass or if it's the lack of sleep, but I find myself wanting to headbang to this. He just said we'll never see him on the Trail Of Tears. You hear that? All you pussies that cry can go fuck off, because Cowboy Troy ain't down with that shit! He also makes a rhyme of Ponderosa (I can only assume he's talking about the steakhouse / buffet. Wonder if there's any kind of discount if I tell them Cowboy Troy sent me...) and "S'posed ta" that is quite masterful. The man is a Tae Kwon Flo master. You shouldn't expect anything less. I'm gonna give this one three thumbs up. A very solid, upbeat lead-in to the album, making me hope he can maintain this momentum through to the end. I really don't want to have to give CBT a negative review on this one, so I'm hoping he doesn't let me down after such a good opener. Lock Me Up: *Obligatory Blacks being put in prison joke* Now that that's out of the way, we have yet another song that feels like one of those weird sub-genres of metal, like some Limp Bizkit-y, rap-rock Nu Metal. This one, I guess, features the dude from Big And Rich. I guess all that time spent hanging with Troy... turned him... gangsta?... as he's now going by J. Money. Hey, if being a white dude that goes gangsta after hanging out with the world's first black, rapping, country music cowboy is wrong, I probably wanna be right. I'm not really sure. At any rate, J. Money actually even sounds a little Durst-like when telling us that somebody needs to throw away the key because we better lock him up. He also informs us we better cage him before he does something crazy. Like rap with a black cowboy? It's a little too late for that, J. Money. I'm pretty sure Troy's now saying he doesn't line dance because that shit's for chicks. He's also talking about buying drinks for the bar and then telling jokes to everyone. Troy seems like a pretty nice guy... and he just threatened to stomp a mudhole through the entire bar. Most people would just get drunk themselves and pick a fight with one dude. Cowboy Troy buys the whole bar drinks, gets himself drunk, and then kicks the shit outta everyone. This guy's quite a gentleman... and surprisingly hardcore.  A drunken Troy beckons the patrons to get up as he gets ready to deliver the TroyKO Jesus Christ, this dude has a lot of nicknames for himself. We're only on the second song and he's already given himself at least three new nicknames, including The Black Buffalo, The Nash Villain, and The Party Inflator. Something tells me this is only gonna get worse as the album goes on. I'm hoping for The Black Hitler by track 4. *ROCKING FIDDLE SOLO* Hmmm... those are certainly words I never thought I'd use together. We come back from that and Troy starts speed-rapping. He seriously just finished a roughly eight line verse in under ten seconds. I didn't catch one fucking word. Checking the lyrics, he apparently lets us know that J. Money polished off a bottle of Crown and that they avoid political shit and are just going to outright take over our area code. Is he allowed to do that? Can CBT just annex area codes? Somebody better check the Geneva Convention about this... How Can You Hate Me?: This is Cowboy Troy's song to address all the haters. I gotta agree with the man. How can you hate Cowboy Troy? The man is genius. Or something like that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he opens this one by mocking the retarded. Or drill sergeants. Maybe retarded drill sergeants. He gives us permission to shake our asses. Yes, ladies. Cowboy Troy does run your as. Don't fight it. From there, he finally starts focusing on the haters, pretty much asking if they hate him because he's better than them in every way. Say what you will, but the man does not have a self esteem problem. He then gets awesomely dickish about it, asking the haters if they're afraid of his understanding of economic policy or that he can vote. He then shows his concern and love of all people, making sure to tell the haters not to choke on the fact he can read in the first place. The man is a saint, dammit! The chorus asks how we can hate someone we just don't know. I'll tell you how: They make movies like Malibu's Most Wanted. Fuck you, Jamie Kennedy! ... Sorry. I'm under control now. Troy continues, comparing his show to that of monster trucks, as despite paying for the whole seat, we'll only need the edge. Why this is mentioned in the middle of threats of physical violence is beyond me, but at any rate, the threats come next. I think he warns us The Black Buffalo is gonna be unleashed from the box and rain down kicks and rocks on the haters. I can respect a cowboy that isn't afraid to bash motherfuckers with rocks when his feet just aren't getting the job done. He then gets a little cocky, telling the haters that they need to hate harder if they want it to have any effect. I'm also pretty sure he tells us his weakness is water. So is he Bruce Willis from Unbreakable? If that's the case, which racist hater would be his Mr. Glass? He's also decided to stop being shy and come right out and say it. Some of you claim that Troy is nothing but a Sambo, despite that he's flexin' hard like Rambo. From here, Troy only gets more badass, getting right in the face of his haters, acknowledging that he knows a bunch of racist asswipes want to shoot, hang, and drag him behind a pickup truck. The only reason he seems bothered by it is because he doesn't want his family to be told these kinds of things, and then he tells the haters they better wash up because they're still gonna eat what he's servin'. This man is a badass. He's just spent three minutes acknowledging that assholes want him dead, but doesn't give a shit and reminds us no one can do what he does. All in a convenient radio length, with nothing that'd need to be censored. I smell lead-off single! So far, this album's actually pretty badass and rocking. Troy's surprising me, which I thought was impossible after the song on the last album WHERE THE BLACK COWBOY RAPPED IN MANDARIN CHINESE! I'm guessing this means a ballad can't be too far off, though. Take Your Best Shot Now: This is close enough that I'm gonna give myself the point. Troy slows it down a bit with this near-ballad. Oddly enough, that doesn't stop Troy from both speed-rapping and slow-singing in this one. If they put The Riddler in the next Batman movie, I nominate Troy for the part, because this man is a fucking enigma. Who the fuck speed-raps in a ballad? Motherfucking Cowboy Troy, that's who! Unfortunately, the internet is failing me currently, as despite the ready availability of things like furry porn, information about fucking furniture, and sex tapes from Dustin Diamond, lyrics for this song do not seem to exist online. This leaves me the unenviable task of trying to decipher just what the fuck he's spitting with that Tongue Fu of his. Before his rapping, he talks about how he got into the (country?) rap game way back in '89, and he appreciates our listening since he's pouring his heart into his lyrics, and that he knows what it's like to be made fun of. Look, Troy. I said I was only kidding! I said I actually liked the album! Stop fucking riding me about that article already! Jeez! Once the rapping starts, I'm lucky to catch single words here and there. I'm only able to make out something about quicksand, new direction, big man, connection, and residuals. I can only assume he's getting paid hush money from having seen someone from the Craigslist Missed Connections section being murdered in a pit of quicksand, with the residuals he's getting still letting him move his life into a new direction. And something about ogres since he was talking about a big man. I'm kind of starting to wonder if this was a bad idea as the realization that I'm only a third of the way into this and still completely confused and on the verge of brain melt. Let's just move on to the next one. I think the rest of this song is just him him daring people to shoot at him anyway. Cruise Control: And we're back to the rock riffs and...wait a fucking minute! I said we were skipping one, Troy, not half the album! You fucking get back there and start the song we're supposed to be on. You aren't getting off that easy... Hick Chick: Ok, that's kind of more like it. Still back with a bit heavier riffs. I'm assuming this is Black In The Saddle's I like fucking women song, this time the subject being hick chicks. I'm also pretty sure I just heard Kid Rock scream. Apparently he likes fucking hick women also.  Troy likes to fuck. Don't judge the man. Here he is with his stable of white women. This song is kind of a let down. The rest of the album's been surprisingly awesome so far, but the chorus of this one just bothers me. It's done in almost a rhythmic, mind-control chant way that worries me. I'm not sure what Troy's trying to pull, but if I lose memory of the next twelve hours and wake up naked next to a shaved paraplegic again, I'm gonna be pissed! Drop it like it's hot til you're glowing like uranium Country girls in the cowgirl hats Wit the tattoos on their back In the middle right above the waistline Hold up y'all here, comes the bass line You like that? The 808 rattling feeling in your crack With the wail tail t-backs, body off the meat rack Work a little harder so ya boy up here can see that! First, what the fuck does "Drop it like it's hot til you're glowing like uranium" even fucking mean? How do lyrics like this not get him on terrorist watch lists? He's trying to turn female country music fans into radioactive material! Also, did he really just spend time singing about a chick's thong and talk about liking tramp stamps? Even worse, he specifically brings attention to the bassline rattling its way through presumably swampy-assed concertgoer crack. I've gotta say, Troy's "I need pussy" songs don't stack up to his other work.  If he starts talking about her crack, I'm outta here! Got the boys all checkin out your milkshake Each one tryin to figure what it'll take To get your name or possibly your email Cuz you're a straight up countrified female Oh come the fuck on! You're not even trying right here! Bad Troy! We do not talk about milkshakes in country music! The All-American Rejects - Gives You Hell: In this next...Goddammit, Troy! What'd I say? We're doing this whole thing till the end! Stop trying to skip out without all the songs getting reviewed! Man With The Microphone: Ah, the classic Song With A Message. Here, Troy speaks for the people that can't speak for themselves. This includes bringing up that kids are starving but eating 52 hot dogs makes you a champion. Leave Kobayashi alone, Troy! The man is just very hungry! He then talks about drunk dads locking their kids in the closet. Way to bring us down, Troy. This is why we don't take you places!  I'm sure Troy still wants that sandwich. If nothing else, he can give it to the kids he's singing about. Hey I'm the man with the microphone Somebody turn it on so I can sing my song I'm just saying what's gotta be said So don't you turn your head from the man with the microphone Though the song is a serious one, this chorus amuses me for some reason. It seems so cheesy and out of place. It's also slowed down to a weird pace and said in an odd monotone. I can actually picture Troy just walking around from town to town with a microphone demanding people turn it on so he can sing about child abuse, beating the shit out of them when they try to point out that they can't just turn on random mics brought to them that aren't even connected to any sound equipment. This whole song is kinda depressing and pretty much about how everything sucks but that Troy'll stand up for those who can't. I guess he wasn't kidding when we has calling himself the Black Superman on the last album. He really does plan on saving the world. My Bowtie: Fuck. Still four songs left... and one of them appears to be a funky, rocked-out love anthem to his bowtie. What the fuck, dude? I think Troy's just completely run out of shit to rap about. Wait. Nope. He's just switched into stereotypical rapper. Rather than being about an actual bowtie, it's an ode to his tricked-out Chevy. That's at least a little better, as there was no fucking way I was reviewing a song about a bowtie. That shit's for the Jews. I've got a hicked out ride with a big block growl Buckle up tight roll into town My crew's rollin through lookin shiny and new Sittin crooked on my chrome on a set of 22's I do have to say, it's nice to see a rapper reminding us about seatbelt safety. It's something you don't see often in the midst of them rapping about their 22's. Unfortunately, that's about all I have to say about this one, since it's just two somewhat short verses of him rapping about his Chevy being awesome. This also may very well be the first time anyone's rapped about their Chevy, period.  I've decided this picture is so odd it doesn't even need a caption. Cruise Control: Great. None of the final three songs have lyrics anywhere for them. How the fuck am I supposed to know what the man is rapping about if I don't have inaccurate internet interpretations to guide me?! Fuck this! I'm gonna need caffeine to get me through this. At least two cups of irish cream coffee should do it. Sadly, I have no irish cream (Fuck you, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!), so the irish cream flavored stuff will have to do. I recommend it. I also recommend watching Ninja Warrior while reviewing the tail end of a Cowboy Troy CD, as that way there's at least some excitement going on somewhere. I really have no clue what he's singing about at this point. It's another slower rock song... slow, but still kind of heavy. The chorus has something about putting his mind on cruise control, which this song is making me do. Not bad, but boring. Troy, we know you can do better than this. Next! Paranoid Like Me ('Tis The Season Of Discontent): Mmm... irish cream. This totally doesn't make me an alcoholic! There's not even any booze in here! I uhh... just like the taste. Of a certain type of alcohol. At 10 in the morning. Don't you fucking judge me! I come back and Asian Rambo just barely survives his way through the quintuple steps only be lose it at the rolling log. As that's going on, Troy seems to have gone ahead and started up a fucking symphony! He's actually switched up using them as redneck fiddles, going for the beautiful sound of symphonic violins with some nice piano mixed in. You just can't predict what this dude's gonna do next. Of course, being Cowboy Troy, there's plenty of electric guita... and there goes the fucking fiddling. What the fuck? I think this is definitely gonna be the weirdest song on the album. It's... fucking awesome though. He's talking about flesh and venom and testifying before the FCC just so he could be played on radio and being paranoid. Cowboy Troy is a complex fucking guy. This song rocks. It almost feels like one of the early, Eminem songs... one of the ones sandwiched between the wife-killing and the wackiness... crossed with... I can't even begin to guess what. The man has surprisingly impressive musical talent. I think he just dun-dun'd his way through a moment of the Rocky Theme, comparing himself to Rocky. I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this album, but I'm pretty sure it's part two of the greatest thing ever. Blackneck Boogie: What the hell? Did he really just hit us with 70's-style funk? Crossed with square dancing? He's also telling us to bob our heads and get a crick in our necks. I thought we went over how dangerous that was last time. He also wants us to shake our ass like a dump truck. Again, I'm not really sure what that entails. The inane-detail-filled rapping of this song reminds of some of the old school rap from people like the Sugar Hill Gang, rapping about going to a friend's house to eat. He's actually rapping about showering after last night's party, showing up to a work a little late, and looking forward to the next party. Troy really tends to run out of the deep lyrics early on in these CDs. Regardless though, he actually manages another pretty decent, catchy track, although I think we can move on to the final verdict without any further need for analysis of this one. I suppose I should also note that the album had two more tracks. These were both remixes of other songs: Hick Chicks (Dance Mix) and I Play Chicken With The Train (Barn Dance Mix). I will, however, be damned if I'm going to sit through these both and review them for you. Even I have my limits! Conclusion: Again, Troy shocks me. How the fuck a dude that ended his debut CD as a black, rapping cowboy rapping in Mandarin Chinese can continue to surprise me is something I will never understand. He actually managed a pretty rocking, kickass follow-up to Loco Motive or whatever the fuck that first one was called. He manages to keep everything fresh while still retaining the essence of... a black, rapping cowboy. Fuck it, I recommend this one. I'm gonna call it a buy. Black In The Saddle gets 7 disembodied Cowboy Troy heads out of ten! It would have been higher, but you don't start the dance with Mandarin Chinese and then bring nothing new to the second half of the party. It's unacceptable.   Shake more hands instead of shaking a fist! |
