Scrubs: The Porn
Written By Marion and posted on: 07-22-09

Co-written by Optimist Alex

Marion: ...fuck. So somehow, Justin managed to pass on that Scrubs follow-up to the Seinfeld porn review. How this happened is beyond me, but naturally, I tried to pass the buck by giving the review to Optimist. This somehow only made things worse. Now, rather than reviewing a Scrubs-based porn parody, I've somehow gotten myself stuck reviewing a Scrubs-based porn parody as a collaboration with another dude. Despite the incredible discomfort I have with this, I will soldier on, for you, the readers. All two of you. So, without further adieu, I introduce my co-writer for this article, Optimist With Porn Doubts.

Optimist: Oh Marion, it won't be so bad. Scrubs is a good show, and I know I love pornography. Combining the two sounds like a thing of genius. I’m sure that this fine film will have all the cinematic excellence and hilarity we have come to expect from scrubs and much needed titillation that the censors don't allow. Bring it on sir.

Marion: You creepy motherfucker... let's get this thing over with.



Marion: So we start things off with a parody of the actual Scrubs intro, with some bizarro version of the theme song, where I believe, the singer states something about not being able to get vagina by himself. Or maybe he can. He's apparently Superman...

Optimist: I like how they gave their own twist on the song. Maybe he can do it by himself. He, in fact, is superman, which I think awakens the superhero in us all.

Marion: This is not an inspirational, feel-good movie, dammit! Well, maybe it's a feel-good movie, but for completely different reasons. And it's not inspirational, either!



From there, we finally start into the "plot" of the movie. Here, we see JD DJ walking through the hallways of whatever shitty rip-off name they gave the hospital with Elliot Ellie. I'm fairly sure they have things a bit chronologically whacked here, as they appear to be dating, but this is supposed to take place around the time of Turk Dirk and Carla's Marla's engagement, despite the fact they weren't together then on the actual show. Yeah, I'm a Scrubs geek, wanna fight about it? Then again, I don't remember JD and The Todd ever double-teaming Elliot in one of the empty beds, either, so I guess this movie will be taking some liberties.

Optimist: Naked Heart. It's called Naked Heart!

Marion: Seriously... why the fuck do you know that? I can't wait for this to be over...

Other than the obvious differences, such as the rampant fucking going on throughout the hospital, it actually stays true to the feel of the show, during the ultra-short plot scenes thrown in between half hour sex scenes. This first scene even opens up with one of JD's DJ's inner monologues, this one about the difficulty of working with your significant other. Then The Todd The Tedd gives a random high-five to Turk Dirk in the background for no reason. It's just like watching the real thing! But with more cock-sucking! JD DJ then asks her if she wants to sneak into a patient's room for some "at work sex", explaining a kooky reason why the patient wouldn't be able to get them in trouble for it. The plot parts really do an excellent job of emulating the show.


The first of many high-fives. If he didn't actually have sex with a woman in this, you'd think it was actually The Todd!


There's even some Turk Dirk playing up his sexual awesomeness to Carla Marla and her making threats to rip the semen out of his urethra if he ever takes that long to finish again! It's just like the show! We also see Dr. Cox Dr. Cox (Wait. That can't be right... What's that? It is. Of course...) being yelled at by Jordan Jayden, and secretly enjoying it, while Kelso Some Old Dude does rounds, quizzing the doctors, and apparently even The Janitor The Janitor (Really? Come on!), about identifying growths, with ice cream as a prize.

Optimist: The film does a good job of establishing the porn versions of the characters we know and love. It was a bold move to make the porn version of Turk (Dirk) be easily 10 years older than the JD (DJ) counterpart despite the fact that they establish the characters as going to college together. Their college memories actually being memories from equally memorable college films is also quite genius! Of course, the film's take on JD's daydreaming launches us into the first sex scene, which is truly a thing of beauty.


Here, we see that the producers also borrowed House's TMI-Cam™


Marion: At this point, JD DJ daydreams about the time he was in med school, having a threeway with two random women in the middle of a hospital. I don't know about you, but something tells me that fucking all over previously sterilized hospital areas may put patients at risk of catching something. Also, considering they've done a whole episode where JD lost his mojo due the hospital making him squeamish about germs and moles and stuff, I don't think eating a random chick's ass would have been something he'd have been ok with. Anyway, this scene lasts about 20 minutes, before taking us back for another two minutes of plot. It manages to make me think something I never thought I would think about porn ever: It actually needs more of the plot scenes.

Optimist: Plot needs to be short and sweet. Aristotle was a moron. Spectacle is clearly number 1, and this scene gives us it in spades. Also, making the sex scenes around 20 minutes is clearly a statement on television shows and how the average half hour television show is actually only around 21 minutes and maybe even less. It's bold for them to take on the commercialism of today’s television standards with something that could never be shown on television.

Marion: There is no fucking symbolism or societal criticism, Alex! It's just porn! 20 minutes of pure porn, with nothing notable happening aside from JD DJ cumming all over the place. Seriously. This has to be the least sanitary hospital ever...

Optimist: Marion, once again you are way off. This also wasn't during DJ's tenure in the hospital. It was during his med student days. Do you know how much med school costs? There is no place for people to worry about germs. Furthermore this blatant disregard of hygiene is clearly a statement that hospitals aren't doing enough to prevent infection within the walls and that people may as well fuck in the building. Bravo, film. Bravo.

Marion: I hate you so fucking much. Anyway, we finally finish JD's DJ's daydream and return to approximately two more minutes of plot before the fucking resumes. Much like the show, we come back with some completely random comment, with JD DJ saying that the previous threeway resulted in them forming The Breakfast Club. I don't remember Judd Nelson eating Molly Ringwold's ass and then spooging all over the detention room. It probably would have been an even bigger hit if he had, though.

Optimist: Clearly you didn't buy the dvd...

Marion: I'll keep that in mind next time I go to Blockbuster. At any rate, Turk Dirk tries to cheer up JD DJ by letting him know life is pretty good for them, and that he gets to work with his best bud. When this prompts a high-five from The Todd The Tedd, JD DJ is upset, until it's explained that he high-fived because Turk Dirk gets to work with his best butt. Glad to know they're still going with The Todd's ambiguous gayness. We then cut to the two friends wondering how The Janitor manages to pull such hot tail, despite being a janitor. Interestingly enough, he's the only in the movie that doesn't even remotely look like the actual character. I'm fairly sure they ran out out of actors and just let the lighting guy do the scene so they could get this finished as soon as possible.


Make this quick. I gotta set up the lighting for the next shot


Optimist: You are forgetting to note that he had the ice cream sundae, meaning he got the question right. Clearly we are dealing with a smarter janitor then we have ever known.

Marion: The two friends then come to the conclusion that the Janitor must just be super suave, while not only using series-staple "Chocolate Bear", but adding in the nickname of "Vanilla Cakes" for JD DJ. We then get to see The Janitor in action, as he asks a passing nurse if something in the pile of vomit is a raisin or a mouse turd. At least they didn't tone down The Janitor's weirdness any.


Is that a raisin or a mouse turd? Or the worst premise to lead in to a sex scene ever?


Optimist: The "vomit", as you and he call it, is clearly spilled ice cream that he put there to rouse a woman into public hospital sex. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book.

Marion: What fucking book are you guys reading? "How To Become A Creepy Hospital Rapist In 10 Easy Steps?"

Optimist: The ice cream is one of the early steps. Step 10 is the use of chloroform. Using a brick comes in somewhere around step 5 or 6.

Marion: I'm going to pretend I read none of that in case the authorities come questioning me anytime soon. Getting on with the scene, we see that it somehow works, and The Janitor manages to get Failed Michelle Trachtenberg Clone to fuck him right there in the middle of the hallway.


She'll fuck you, too, if you ask her if things are food or animal droppings!


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure JD DJ and Turk Dirk are still in eyeshot of him. Is he just trying to show off now? Again, we head into a 15 minute+ sex scene, and yet again, not too much of note here. Failed Michelle Trachtenberg Clone does, however, ask The Janitor if he just made her cum. Protip: If you have to ask, the random janitor you are fucking just because he asked about vomit probably did not give you an orgasm. As with 130% of all porn scenes, this one ends with the dude splooging all over the place. For most people, I guess that's completely fine. The problem here though is that HE'S THE FUCKING JANITOR! Someone obviously has to clean up all the jizz all over this hospital, and it's just gonna end up being him! Is this his way of taking back control somehow? He's sick of cleaning up the cum from everyone else, so he finally made sure it's gonna be his own he cleans up? Is this silent, but messy, rebellion?

Optimist: If you are the Scrubs fanatic that you claim to be, then it is obvious that The Janitor would just make DJ clean the mess and say something snarky. That's just how he works. That fact becomes clear once you note that he has sex with her right in front of him, as if to say, "This is your mess not mine." The Janitor is cunning that way.

Marion: Hey, he only made JD do his job once, and that was because of the loss of a bet. There was no bet here, only awkward, random nurse sex. Janitor's still gonna have to clean that shit up!

Moving on from there, we get a very short scene where Dr. Cox (Cocks?) pays JD DJ to let Jordan Jayden insult him to make her happy. In this one scene, we get almost as much display of affection between the two as is shown during the entire run of Scrubs. She then proceeds to inform everyone nearby that JD's DJ's balls are weird and misshapen, with one looking like an almond and the other looking like Howard Stern. I'm not so sure having sex with people whose balls look like Howard Stern is a good idea, but to each their own.

Optimist: I wouldn't put it behind (there’s a joke there) Janitor to leave the mess there until another bet is made. Also, Jordan (Whoredon?) only had sex with JD once, so now we know why. See this movie is opening up the Scrubs world. Maybe season nine will make the odd shaped balls of JD part of canon.

Marion: If that happens, I swear to God, I am murdering you and throwing your body down a well.

Optimist: Didn't The Janitor do that once.

Marion: Really? You're honestly asking if The Janitor, on a network sitcom, murdered another character and dumped their rotting corpse into a well? No, he didn't fucking do that before! God, I hate you! Just start the next fucking scene so I can get this over with and hopefully fire you after this review.

The next scene starts with Carla Marla tending to a patient in full body bandages. She then notices a love note from Turk Dirk scribbled to her on the man's bandages, leading me to wonder how this fucking hospital has not been sued to oblivion yet. This note alludes to his faults, allowing us to do a Scrubs-like flashback to a random past moment. Here, we see him and JD DJ looking fly, preparing to go perform their "rizzle, rizzle raps" for the hospital talent show.



Well, mostly fly...


Strangely, this wouldn't be too out of place in a real Scrubs episode.


She continues reading his confession of true love to her, even finding out he's hidden a bouquet of flowers in the man's bandages. Which she takes... as the patient moans with pain the entire time she's unwrapping the bandages to get to them. What the fuck kind of place is this?

Optimist: You know, it's a really touching sentiment from Dirk to make a message like this. It really shows that he cares for Marla. For this plan to work he had to either plan it way, way in advance and write the message on the bandages after the patient first came in, however long ago that was, or he had to unwrap the patient, write the message and re-wrap him. Seeing how much pain the man is, in it's really very touching that he would put that man through all of that just for his love... and sex. Hot, hot hospital sex.

Marion: Naturally, after this, she's so overtaken by passion, that she rushes to him and they, following the pattern in this hospital, find somewhere to quickly fuck. This takes us to our shortest sex scene of the movie, coming in at only about 14 minutes, once again, with little of note. Turk Dirk does, however, threaten to rupture her spleen, as well as fuck her into intensive care, which don't at all seem like very loving things to say after all the trouble he went through to show her much he cares. Besides that, there's nothing else particularly of note he- Wait. What the fuck is that? You've gotta be kidding me! That sick fuck took her to the pediatric ward to fuck? All the empty beds in this place and he fucking tosses her down next to little Billy to teach him how to put a hurt on the pussy?


Well, they had to learn about the birds and the bees and the analingus some day.


Optimist: As many woman from my past would testify to, I am not the most skilled lover. What I would have given to learn the lessons at a young age. God bless you, 50 year old porno version of Turk.

Marion: ...seriously. I have really gotta start doing background checks on people before I hire them as writers. Thank God this is almost over...

Finally, we come to the last scene. Here, we watch as all the happy couples pass by JDDJ, making his getting shot down earlier all the more painful. He decides to give it another try and again asks Elliot Ellie if she wants to have sex. He's again told that she's at work, and that she is there to work, not have sex. What's a young, handsome doctor to do? Invite The Todd The Tedd, naturally! I know when a chick doesn't want to have sex with me at that precise moment, I always invite a random, possibly bisexual dude to double team her with me! She, of course, agrees, and one high-five later, we're balls-deep into our final sex scene! The trio does at least have the decency to not fuck in pediatrics this time. With the way this hospital is, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd snuck off to fuck in the burn ward, possibly on top of a hurting patient.


It's fun to share. High-five, bro!


Optimist: Oh, come on, Marion. The unsaid lust Elliot has had toward The Todd is obvious. This scene is a clear love letter from fans to fans.

Marion: I have no clue what the fuck movie you're watching. Did you even download the right torrent?

Optimist: I think so. We are both watching the high class, 5 star porn parody of Scrubs with money shots and plenty of rim jobs, correct?

Marion: Well, there were plenty of money shots and rim jobs, but how you managed to work high class and five star into that same sentence is beyond me. Frankly, I don't wanna know and am going to finish this up so I can get the fuck out of here.

We end with yet another inner monologue of JD DJ telling us that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. I guess that even includes letting The Todd The Tedd spend about 20 minutes fucking your girlfriend's mouth and then jizzing all over her. But hey, he's happy. We even manage to end on yet another high-five!


Movie's over-five?


Optimist: I think when all is said and done, there is one thing that you can not fault this movie for, the inclusion of which makes it a 5+ star film. Of course, I am talking about this movie's version of The Todd (Although, the movie loses points for not calling him The Rodd. Come on, the joke was right there). His over-sexed personality, his tendency to over high five (even in his sleep), and even his bisexuality were all spot-on. Not since Lisa Ann in the famous "Who's Nailin' Paylin?" and its sequel, "Obama's Nailin' Paylin", Vannah Sterling in her daring performance in "Coctomom", or Cassandra Cruz in the infamous "Gov Love: The Elliot SPLITZ-HER" story, or even since THE GOD OF PORN RON JEREMY starred as Pugsly in "The Maddams Family", has there been a more honest portrayal. I salute this film. May God bless you forever, "Scrubs: A XXX Porn Parody"!

Marion: Fuck, you've got way too much time on your hands. That's probably not the only thing on them, actually. At any rate, this movie, and the subsequent review, are finally over... and not a moment too soon. Thank God we'll never have to review anything like this ever aga-...


Nope. Fuck that. I'm out of here! Not a chance in hell!