Cosplay 2: Electric Boogaloo
Written By Marion and posted on: 10-08-08
Originally written for MaroonX by Marion and Justin on 11-27-05
Marion: If you've been reading the site or know me off of it, then you know I'm a man of many passions. One of them happens to be making fun of ugly cosplayers. What? I never claimed it was a noble passion! So today I bring you another installment of me and a co-author making fun of people dressed like idiots! My co-author of choice this time: DyslexicPenguin.com's own, Dyslexic Penguin! (Or Justin, if you prefer to think of him as a human and not a giant, anthropomorphic, flightless bird with a reading disability)
Justin: Hello friends! Justin here, from Dyslexic Penguin. Originally, this was going to be a tandem article between Marion and Jason Rivera, but unfortunately Jason Rivera has been kidnapped by ninjas. Thus, Marion made a >_< face and went on a search to find a bad enough dude to rescue him ...When that didn't work out, he asked me. So, here I am bringing my tens of readers over to Maroon X, so that he may share the wealth of my
Note: As a service to the readers, I've added links to reference pictures of what the characters are supposed to look like to help illustrate just how far off some of these really are.
Hot Tonberry (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Now I like this one. A splendid example of how cosplay should be done. She even interpreted the character to fit her own vision. Excellent work.
Justin: I was under the idea that we'd be looking at hideous things here. What vile trickery are you trying to put on here Marion? Remove her mask! Show me the beast that lies within!
Marion: Huh? Mask? Oh, you're right. How embarrassing. *removes mask*
Marion: GAH! What the fuck is that?
Justin: That's what we call an overbite, Marion. Notice the fact that she could swallow a man's head whole with such a wide mouth. In fact, when you look at it, the enlarged butcher knife she holds doesn't really look so big by comparison. Also, I don't remember Tonberry carrying a fucking messenger bag over his shoulder in the games, unless I somehow missed the Final Fantasy where everyone is in high school.
Fat Metal Alchemist
Marion: ninjarv1: When the hell does he wear a fuckin' weight belt?
ninjarv1: OOO GONNA DO SOME HEAVY SQUATS TODAY IN MY ELRIC COSTUME.
Well Ninja R, I think he (or maybe she?) could stand to do a few squats, quite frankly, or maybe a few laps around nearest track. This Edward's actually packing quite a bit of neckfat. It must be preparing for the harsh winters ahead. It's as if Neckless Yuna and Hulk Hogan had a baby. A very.....very ugly baby.
Justin: It's funny really. Look at the original character art. The guy isn't fucking wearing a weight lifting belt. Then again, he also doesn't have a Marilyn Monroe wig on, so I guess you can chalk this one up to artistic freedom. You know, I understand why you're always making fun of these cosplayers Marion ...We're only two in, and already I want to punch people in the face.
Fat N' Furry Janice (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: There ain't no way this bitch is eating only those carrots...
Justin: What is it with fat people, and dressing up like shit? Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole...but obese people are not nice to look at. You can't take a clump of dog shit, put a little red bow on it, and suddenly it becomes beautiful. All it is, is dog shit with an elaborate costume on. In this case, it's even worse, because she's somehow managed to make her giant Mongoloid head even bigger with the addition of virtual neckfat, and huge ears. Yeah, that's a good idea, lets draw more attention to my chubby cheeks by having one of the larger parts of the costume be in the head area. Well played.
Marion: I think those carrots are just so she can lure bunnies out in the open and then when they least expect it....SNAP! Chomps right through them like a Slim Jim. Randy Savage would not approve...
Full Axl Alchemist (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Wow. So many things wrong with this picture. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Cosplay what suits you. If you're black, don't cosplay a white guy. If you're fat, don't cosplay Rikku. If you're a guy, don't cosplay a chick...or at least shave if you're gonna. Winry has no goatee! This is also the gayest Edward Elric I've ever seen, made complete by a retarded look on his face and one of the worst wigs ever made. I bet he transmutates guys into his bed every night...
That Winry also bears a creepy resemblance to Axl Rose.
Justin: That's odd ...I feel strange. Something is coming over me, Marion ...I fee---EERR ...YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU IN THE JUNGLE BABY! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! WE GOT FUN AND GAMES! WE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT, HONEY, WE KNOW THE GAMES! WE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN FIND ...WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED! IF YOU GOT THE MONEY, HONEY, THEN WE'VE GOT YOUR DISEASE! ...OH, IN THE JUNGLE! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! WATCH IT BRING YOU TO YOUR SHANAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAHNAH-KNEES! KNEES! ....Uh, err, what? I don't know what the hell that was. My apologizes.
Matthew Lesko (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: DO YOU WANNA HAVE MONEY TO BUILD A SAILBOAT TO GO TO GUAM!? No? Well fuck you, there's a government program specifically for that anyway! Those that know about the programs get the money! And those that don't get the money for the sailboat to Guam apparently file for the grant to do MATTHEW FUCKING LESKO COSPLAY!!! Fuck this. I'm moving on...
Justin: I don't know if I should hate this guy for his frosty white old man hair, or if I should demand he get a medal for having the balls to cosplay Matthew Lesko. It's awesome, because after he's done pretending to be Lesko, he can go to Gotham City and cause a crime spree, only to be thwarted by that damned Batman and all of his beautiful toys. You know, I bet the Riddler would have kicked Batman's ass if he knew about the government programs. I mean, he would have had more money than he knows what to do with ...and Batman wouldn't have had any money, because only those who know about the programs are the ones who get the money!
"I didn't play the game or look at the characters" Vivi and Fat Garnet (How it's supposed to look)
Justin: Now, granted it's been a long time since I've played Final Fantasy 9 ...and while I feel it's leveling system is fantastic, I don't remember the part of the game that explains that Vivi is actually openly white, and damn near 7 feet tall. I also don't remember the part that claimed Garnet had a bunt.
Marion: This is just bad....just awful. Did we completely forget about the fact Vivi HAS NO FUCKING FACE??? I'm pretty sure it's mentioned in the game at least once. I wish this cosplayer would have gone for accuracy and made her face all black by wrapping it in a garbage bag. Even better if she'd have forgotten the airholes. And for Garnet: Spandex is a right, not a privilege, even if you are royalty.
Justin: Wait...wait. That's a girl playing Vivi???
Jacques Hardy (How it's supposed to look)
Justin: I thought this was about cosplayers, Marion? Why the fuck am I looking at Jeff Hardy?
Marion: Hell if I know. This kinda stuff still creeps me out even after all the cosplay I've seen. He really does look like he's getting ready to give the Swanton Bomb to all of Harmonia. Exist 2 Shoot Arrows! And Jacques used to be one of my favorite characters, too....
Justin: Jacques is probably one of the cooler characters in Suikoden 3, and for him to be tarnished by being involved with Jeff Hardy, is just a shame that I wish I didn't have to see. Jacques, I'm sorry ...but you are now dead to me. So go. Go find yourself a bucket of paint and dump it all over yourself, and start throwing GUNZ around ...and then drop dead.
Justin: Oh no ...not this again. Marion, you son of a bit----TAKE ME DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY, WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN AND THE GIRLS ARE PRETTY! OH, WON'T YOU TAKE ME HOME!
Don't do that again, Marion.
Cancer patient Lulu (How it's supposed to look)
Justin: Gothic? Check. Black Hair? Check. Beaded necklace? Check. Black Dress? ...Well, uh, err ...I guess Mom's flower shower curtain is close enough. Pale skin? Well, I guess it's sort of a check here too ...although, I think Lulu was pale due to being a master of the dark arts of black magic, and thus always inside developing spells and potions ...Y'know, not pale because she apparently has cancer.
Marion: It's good to see that cancer isn't a death sentence for everyone. Some people can still live out their dreams of cosplaying Lulu! Wait. Are her eyes red??? That's no cancer patient! It's an albino! Shame on you! Someone alert the Make A Wish foundation and tell them that they were bamboozled when this young lady wished to cosplay Lulu! You are a bad person! You're taking wishes away from genuinely sick people just so you can do $10 cosplay!
Justin: No, Marion. She may be an albino... but look at the giant forehead, with a hint of a receeding hairline. It's quite obvious that this is
Marion: Oops. Guess I better call Make A Wish back and get them to set her free...
Justin: No time for that now Marion. We have more people to meanly make fun of!
Indian dude dressed as a chick (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Goddamn! No matter how many cosplayers I see, I'll never stop being shocked when I see shit like this. This just horrifies me. I'm pretty sure this is where I'm supposed to make a racist joke about him being Indian, but I'm too in shock to say something about crossdressing and curry.
Justin: Ugh. What in the fuck is this supposed to be? Judging from the hair color, and the fact that the character is wearing a dress and holding a mirror, it's plainly obvious that this is supposed to be a female character. And yet, I am forced to look at an African American MALE in the outfit ...tell me Marion, what have I done in my life to have earned such a terrible fate?
Marion: I think he's Indian, not black.
Justin: Well, either way. He has a penis, and the character doesn't. So if he doesn't have to be accurate, neither do I!
Heart Break umm....little girl? (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Ugh. The NyQuil's wearing off, and this crap is just starting to make me sad. Is this what the great Shawn Michaels has been reduced to? A tiny woman with glasses cosplaying him, chaps and all? I hope she decided to go for complete accuracy and found God and then became a broken-down shell of her former self!
Justin: You want to know what I want to hear seconds after seeing this wannabe HBK go into his or her split pose? The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers ...AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD! When I lay my vengeance upon thee ...followed by a gunshot to the face.
Justin: Dammit Marion. I told you to stop doing this shit. I am going to plant my foot in your ass if you don't cu---AND WHEN YOUR FEARS SUBSIDE, AND SHADOWS STILL REMAIN ...OOOH YEAH! I KNOW THAT YOU CAN LOVE ME, WHEN THERE'S NO ONE LEFT TO BLAME! SO NEVER MIND THE DARKNESS, WE STILL CAN FIND A WAY! BECAUSE NOTHING LASTS FOREVER ...EVEN COLD NOVEMBER RAIN!
You're lucky I'm not allowed to have a katana here at the dorm, or else your head would be my trophy by now.
Knight. Nope. No witty title for this one. If he doesn't have to be creative, neither do I. (How it's supposed to look)
Justin: A knight from any RPG? Wow, he must have really burnt the midnight oil coming up with this one. What, did he just find a suit of armor at a yard sale, and decided he was going to join the big kid's cosplay site with it? It's bad enough that people are dressing up like video game characters to begin with ...but when you're not only a cosplayer, but a LAZY cosplayer at that ...well, then you've got a lot more problems in your life than either myself, or Marion would be able to figure out.
Marion: Now this guy knows where it's at! I'm phoning this sumbitch up and hanging out with him when I throw on my high school graduation cap and gown and cosplay as "Scholar B from random RPG" at Lazy Fatass-con 2006 in February.
Justin: Glasses? Check. Fatass? Check.
Marion: Prick! >_<
Marion: Ugh. STOP COSPLAYING NORMAL-SIZED PEOPLE IF YOU'RE A FUCKING FATASS! I'm getting sick of the same old, "He's fat." stuff, but that's what these people give me to work with. YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE CHARACTER, YOU TUBBY SON OF A BITCH! This is what Claude's supposed to look like. This guy looks like if you dressed Meatloaf up as Claude and then beat him with a sack of oranges. Unacceptable!
Justin: If Brendan Fraser with downs syndrome is done holding his girlfriend's hand, perhaps he'll have noticed that he doesn't exactly fit the look of the character he's going for. Claude had sort of a bowl cut with blonde hair, whereas this tool comes out with homeless man long brown hair ...and don't get me started on his girlfriend's hair. Why the hell are these mongoloids allowed out in public? In fact, why are they even allowed to coexist with one another ...could you imagine the evil that would happen if they breeded?!
Albino Juste Belmont (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: ANOTHER albino??? Guess when you're not able to go out in the sun often, you've got a lot of free time to dress up as videogame characters. Or maybe this was the "I lost the game and got bitten by Dracula and turned into a pasty white vampire" version of a Belmont. I think I need more NyQuil to get me through the rest of these. I'll be back shortly.
Justin: What a terrible night to have a curse... Or at least night is the only time I imagine they let this guy out of the house. I mean hell, if my son looked like that I would ritualistically beat him every morning. Not because I'm a bad parent mind you, but simply because I feel it would help him out in the future knowing that he'll stay out of the public eye, and save both himself, and the rest of the family the embarrassment of being seen in public.
Marion: Ugh. He's still a fag despite more NyQuil....moving on.
Justin: SHE'S GOT A SMILE THAT IT SEEMS TO ME... REMINDS ME OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES! WHERE EVERYTHING, WAS AS FRESH AS THE BRIGHT BLUE SKY! ...NOW AND THEN WHEN I SEE HER FACE, SHE TAKES ME AWAY TO THAT SPECIAL PLACE ...AND IF I STARED TOO LONG, I'D PROBABLY BREAK DOWN AND CRY! ...OH SWEET CHILD O' MINE ...SWEET LOVE OF MINE
Dammit Marion ....One more damn time, and I quit.
Eerily Accurate Paul Bearer (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: This dude is just fucking creepy. Kinda scares me too much to come up with a joke for him, although I will say that he's definitely a frontrunner in this year's neckfat competition, although he'll probably just lose to the real Paul Bearer in the finals again.
Justin: This is easily the best cosplayer we've seen today ...and also, he is easily the most frightening of them all. He's got the deep bags under his eyes like Paul Bearer. He's a big guy, just like Paul Bearer is. Same haircut. Same style of dress ...and I'm sure he also has the same unemployment status!
Giant, Paper Mache-Head Frog (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Fuck you, Justin! This is clearly the best one we've seen today! The architecture. The craftsmanship. The giant fucking eyeballs! What majesty!
Justin: This guy doesn't look a goddamn thing like Frog. For one, Frog has a clearly white under mouth. Secondly, I don't remember the part in Chrono Trigger than explained how Frog became apparently anorexic.
Marion: Not my fault you have a thing for fat frogs...
Justin: Hey, I'm just trying to get an air of accuracy in this cosplaying business. You're just mad because I dislike it, and you apparently love it ...but what does that say about you, Marion?
Marion: Don't make me call back the Full Axl Alchemist again!
Fat Nanami (How it's supposed to look)
Marion: Ugh. I'm going to the next anime / videogame / whatever convention that comes near me and setting up a fucking liposuction booth right outside. It's win / win. I come out of it loaded from all the fat Yunas and Nanamis, and the world is a slightly less horrifying place without pictures like this being taken.
Justin: UGH. Revenge of the bunt! Look, if fat people want to dress up and shit ...then fine. That's cool. However, there's a whole hell of a lot of better options for you to dress up. Black Mage, for example... long robes. Hat that practically covers the whole head. People will barely know you're there! White Mage is another good example. Long robes, the majority of the head covered by them. The general feeling is that the majority of the body is covered ....as opposed to this, where we can see every crease of flab. I'd say somebody should hit her with a shovel, but judging from the look on her face ...too late.
Snaggle-tooth Lilly (How it's supposed to look)
I know this is my article and all, but I'm thisclose to storming off angrily and telling me to fuck myself for subjecting me to pictures like this. You handle this one...
Justin: You want ME to handle this one? She wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that her teeth are bigger than most people's heads. Of course, that doesn't exactly get complimented by her thousand yard marine stare either. People ask me while I never smile in pictures, or if I do why is it just a little smirk or something. This is a good example of why. People that smile wide in pictures ALWAYS look like a horses ass. The only times you see somebody smiling wide and they don't, it usually involves Photoshopping of some kind to improve the picture. ...but, at least she has one thing going for her. She doesn't appear to be fat.
Pasty Man-Thigh Kuja (How it's supposed to look)
Justin: WHERE. THE. FUCK. ARE. HIS. PANTS?!
Marion: That's a question we'd all like the answer to, Justin. Sadly, the world may never know. Although my money is either on Janice having eaten them, or Jacques Hardy removing them for easier access.
Justin: I ...I think we should just move on. There are some things that even I can't comment on. This is one of them.
Marion: Agreed. Let's move on to our next one...
Justin: You son of a bit--MAMA TAKE THIS BADGE FROM ME! I CAN'T USE IT ANYMOOOORE! IT'S GETTING DARK ...TOO DARK TO SEE! FEELS LIKE I'M KNOCKING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR! ...KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR! KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR-OOOR-OOOR!
Fuck this ...I'm not taking this shit anymore, I'm out of here.
Marion: Well, guess that's the end of this cosplay article. I'd like to thank my co-author, Justin, but he's off swaying and singing Civil War. As usual, click the names below if you wanna tell us how great you think the article was, if you think we're awful, evil people for making fun of the above people, or if you are one of the above people and would like to tell us how awful and evil we are.
God, I hope there isn't another sequel to this shit...